Crackers

Dear White People,

I am not talking about you. I am talking about the snack food. I was reading my friend Petes Blog on chips,(the blog in general is entertaining) and I kept thinking how much I dislike chips. I hate chips so much that I had to write about it.  Well OK I don't hate chips, actually I enjoy a good salt and vinegar, every now and then, but... chips don't stand a chance compared to crackers. But nobody likes the guy that brings crackers to the party. And thats where my rage begins. Chips are put on a pedestal compared to crackers, with their shiny bags, their low low prices, and their huge selections in the convenience stores. And because chips are so popular, I feel a little girly while eating crackers. But no more! Im taking a stand. God-Dammit! Maybe its because Im on this whole healthy living kick, and everyone knows crackers are chips healthier more fit cousin. But I don't think so. No. I just like crackers, and I can eat a whole box of crackers and not feel guilty. Thats a wonderful thing, you never feel that way after eating a bag of chips.

So top 5, partially in response to Petes chips, (no order)

1. Animal crackers. Who doesn't love animal crackers? You have to be an uptight bitch, who hasn't had sex in over a hundred year, and hasn't taken a dump in 200 years because their is a stick up your ass, in order to hate animal crackers, thats the only way. The question begs to be answered, why are they so delightful? Well.... Their tasty. Im pretty sure their healthy because their made out of cracker material. Their fun because you can put the animals into provocative positions. And they are the only animals Vegetarian, and even Vegans can eat. Finally, their classic, and classic things are good. 

2. Wheat Thins. Wow this is a great cracker. Also good to bust out at the party where there is salsa and guacamole. Try it. I actually like to make my own dip which mixes a thing of fresh salsa and two avocados, mashed up together. Then dip your wheat thins in, and let the explosions of flavors begin. 

3. Cheez-It.  I somehow associate this cracker with only good times. The perfect party snack. I would also imagine this food would go good with recreational drug use. But I wouldn't know. Also Cheez-It white cheddar is amazing, and would probably go on my top five but I think these two can be combined. 

4. The standard cracker and cheese platter. I understand that every cracker should be judged equally but when there is a platter of cheese and crackers, this becomes a cracker category. I love crackers and cheese. The only thing I don't love about cheese and crackers are the plates or lack their of. When a cheese and cracker platter comes out it will usually be accompanied by small plates, or napkins. Small plates are terrible because you can only fit about five crackers on a plate at a time. I am not a five cracker kind of guy. But I would worship a small plate when the only option is a napkin. Because then your walking around looking like an idiot trying to grasp your crackers and cheese in the napkin, and the cracker is crumbling, and your getting cracker parts all over your nice clothes (because these platters only exist at nice clothes events). But when I do have a small plate, I then feel like a fat-ass, because Im the one going back to the table for more cheese and crackers three and four times. And I shouldn't feel like a fat-ass, but you always have the feeling that the guy replenishing the cracker platter, is judging you. Terrible!, either way it stays in the top 5. 

5. Bright orange crackers with the fake cheese inside. I haven't had this cracker since preschool but I remember it as wonderful. Its one of those things that you know your consuming utter crap but because its only 6 crackers in the plastic sleeve, you don't feel like you are over endulging. Also Ritz Bitz with either the cheese or the peanut butter would fall into this top five cracker category. But hey the idea of a cracker sandwich is a wonderful thing. 

Let me know some of your cracker choices, and maybe some cracker stories. (and remember blogs are great because it gives the reader a chance to comment back and get conversations started. so get to commenting."

 I wonder if Germans eat crackers?