The Art of Staying a Fatass

Dear Fellow Exercise Junkies,

I am finally one of you. NOT!!! ... well I try. See I started working out recently, because I want to increase my sex appeal. Now I know your saying to your self, WOW... "Ryan your sex appeal is off the charts", and that it is, its almost not there at all. But this isn't supposed to be a blog about me pitying myself (that blog will be launched soon, it will be called whisky, cigarettes, and lonely nights). So I am here today to talk about living a healthy life style. Actually no... Im here today to bitch about living a healthy life style.

Since I am currently in between places and living at home, my life has been plagued with free dinners every night, large sandwiches during midday or late at night, and a loving mother who gives me money to pick ice cream up at the store on a somewhat regular basis. This seems like a wonderful thing, but it also happens to be during the time in which I have chosen to get healthy for going to Berlin. And so immediately I have hit conflict, my parents are my fat enablers!!! So the easiest way to get healthy, which is just eating healthier has been ruled out. Which I think I am ok with, except for the fact that the next logical solution to getting healthy is exercise. BLLLLLAAAH...

Well its not that bad, I have been doing sit ups on a pretty regular basis, and am now doing pushups, pull ups and curls. I kind of have fun doing them, because I can dance, and pace myself in the privacy of my own room, BUT the results are not coming quick enough. I sort of had this feeling that I could maybe do 20 crunches and I would automatically have a 6 pack and that v thing that leads down to my manhood. and apparently this is not the case, I am in my third week of doing all my exercises and have only seen minimal results, This is especially upsetting to me because I check every ten minutes to see if my six pack has arrived yet. It hasn't. So I felt the need to up my workout. Cardio. Now, I'm a biker, and so getting my cardio has never really been a problem, because I can just hop on my bike and tour around.  But its 4 degrees outside and the thought of going anywhere at the speed of 20 mph with no heat seems ridiculous to me. So I turned to running and I hate running. Usually while running Ill ask myself, "Hey Ryan, What are you running from." And Usually this is the point at which I immediately stop running. But not today, no, Today I didnt ask myself that question, I just went out and got going. I had my running shorts on, a sporty sweatshirt, my ipod, my sweatbands, and my only sneakers that look like they might be used for the purpose of running. (I bought them because I thought they looked cool.)  Now all of this is a necessity, because its so very important to show my neighborhood that I do this all time. However I run funny and I get winded after a 1/2 mile. But today I kept going, I started getting the stitch in my side so my run was more of a hobble. And I could only imagine what the neighbors were saying, " Hey Walt, there goes the uncoordinated retard." or  "The way he's moving it looks like he has been shot, do you think he needs help?" But I pressed on, because Im a stubborn SOB. and then at 3/4 of a mile I stopped because there was no possible way that I could move any further than that. So I quickly hobbled home and look in the mirror to see if my six pack had finally arrived. And to my dismay it had not.

So I have turned to steroids. 

But the next time you see me ask to see my abs, If they are flabs, you will know that I have failed, But if am ripped like I imagine I will be, then you will know that it is the hobble run, that did it for me. 

Let me know if your exercise experiences are similar or if you know how to get instant abs with out all the work.