Water Park Vacation????

Dear Ingebritson Family,

This Blog is addressed to them and the reasons I don't want to go to a water park. Well ok they already know, But you don't so let me take this time to describe our family dynamic. But first water parks.

Water parks are the sort of place that three types of groups go, families with young children, rednecks, and groups of dude bras that are under 35. I especially hate water parks because I have to deal with all three of these groups of people, pay exorbitant amounts of money to get in, wait in lines while I either shiver because the air is too cold, or sunburn because the air is too hot , and see people in bathing suits that were never meant for bathing suits. And if I want a meal the only kind of food that is offered is greasy hamburgers, nachos with cheese made from plastic, and elephant ears, none of which sounds appealing when on a diet. Did I mention small children. I hate small children and their antsy ways always climbing on everything and touching me with their sticky fingers, asking me if they can cut me in line because they decided to go get cotton candy. But since these children are probably also redneck children their parents are probably yelling at them from across the water park to, "Hurry the hell up, grab my cigarettes, cause were leavin" Now once again I could look at water parks like a cultural experience and go and sit with my sunglasses, read a book and work on my tan. But instead I will sulk because im not on the beach watching the pretty girls go by because pretty girls never go to water parks at least not alone, and never go to pick up guys. But no this isnt the biggest problem, the biggest problem is I can t swim at water parks. Believe it or not, water parks dont have swimming pools. How this is true, I have no idea, but you would think that if you were going to go to a water park you could at least do a few laps, or show off your diving skills. Nope!!!! They have a wave pool but here you can only sit trapped inside a inter-tube and bounce in water that has been pissed in by a million little kids with sticky cotton candy hands and get run into by 29 year old assholes that think it would be a great idea to relive their high-school football days and take out everyone else in the process.

Ok ok I know I sound a little cranky and that once I got there I would have a great time. But it brings up the other issue of my family dynamic. We will start with my brother.

Its important to explain first off that my brother and I are very different. On paper we are very similar, we are both avid readers, both big fans of good food and beer, both baseball fans, same parents, and agree on multiple political issues. But personality wise we are two completely different people. My brother is the kind of guy that believes if you dont have anything to say you just shouldnt say anything. Where Im under the belief that a void can always be filled in any conversation no matter how small the gap. My brother is also the kind of guy that likes to lay low, and really enjoy his time off. I.E. sit down and not move for extended periods of a time. Where I have places to go and people to see even when Im sleeping. Now we are usually pretty good when we see each other for short periods of time and we can both be involved in an activity, that is low stress and we both enjoy quite a bit. But putting us in long lines where there is extended voids in the conversation and a beating sun spells disaster. (I remember the family vacation to New York where he wanted to sit in the hotel room and watch the second baseball game of the day, and I wanted to get out and explore one of the greatest cities in the world. We parted ways) I cant say this for fact but I believe my brother is more of a lazy river rider or a wave pool kind of guy, where Im a fastest slide I can find guy. And I don't want to have this sort of separation divide us. I believe we should come together over our similarities, such as a cold beer and baseball game, and enjoy ourselves.

Now my father. God bless my father, He is more similar to me in the way where he can shoot the shit about pretty much anything and doesn't mind the long lines. But personality is not where my father and I differ. He has recently been battling diabetes and has started to change his diet and his way of life. I applaud him for this. But I know that for a long time his staple food was hot dogs, pizza, hamburgers, and chips. (all of which I ate today, lol) And its hard to break habit, and I can guarantee that going to a water park wold not be the best place to try to break a habit. It seems to me that one would be hard pressed to find anything at a water-park that hasn't been deep fried, battered or slathered with some goodness that would make the health gods cringe. And so I think as a family we should be supportive and maybe go to the beach and pack a lunch of fruits and salads and sandwiches filled with avocado and tomato.

And so I am left with my mother the ring leader of the family. She tries so hard to get us as a family to do things together and we sometimes succeed. But I have to say there is some things some families do together and some things other families don't. Our family isnt so much a water park family anymore. I know that at one time when I was 10 or 11 we as a family went to water parks, but I feel that we have changed. We do much better seated around a table arguing or discussing an issue that we feel pertinent, or watching a baseball game together. Even going to the beach would be nice. But a water park is a natural divider. My mom has already said she wants to spend her time in the lazy river ride, where I just feel lazy on a river in which im stuck in an inter-tube all day.

So I have thought of a solution. We can rent one long canoe, Pack a cooler full of beer, healthy food, and a radio. My brother can sit and listen to the baseball game or read a book, my mother can be tied behind us in an intertube and my father and I can roe roe roe our boat gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily, life is like a dream.

So readers please let me know what your family cant do together and for what reasons, or if you have any thoughts on what my family could do together. (and readers the responses have been kind of silent lately.)