You have a new star to love, Me.
I went to the beach today to have a nice day in the sun, and received exactly the opposite. It rained and was windy the entire time, but the bad weather didnt start until after we had drove an hour to get to the beach. We decide we would stick it out because the beach is about getting wet anyway. But getting in the water or even getting wet wasnt my plan at all, I decided a walk down the beach would avoid the problem of me having to get into the water. But beach walks in which you promise yourself you wont get wet never pan out and after about 2 minutes I was soaking and complaining the whole way. My friend makes go back to the car, change into my bathing suit and get into the water. After about 10 more minutes of complaining about bad weather I finally take off my sweater and traverse the freezing cold beach to get to the water.
Now I must tell you, Im not much of a swimmer. Actually I haven't swam for over 2 years. But oh well its only a little water and it cant kill me. After about 10 minutes of bouncing in the waves in a manageable spot, where there is no possible way I or a 2 year old child would ever die, I am approached by a beautiful girl. Im thinking to myself, well hah this is my lucky day, I can use my sexy german on her (unfortunatly german is definitely not one of those romance language, and espescially not spoken by me who can really only ask for directions and ask how someone is). But thankfully she speaks first, in english. Well maybe not thankfully. She asks me in a sort of quizzical nonchalant way if I'm a good swimmer. I feeling confident, that this is her way of seeing that Im a strong young ample buck say, "Why, Yes". Now remember I havent swam in two years. She then tells me her brother is stuck really far out in the vast sea, and he needs someone to go rescue him.
Here I put myself in a dilemma because I just admitted Im basically Michael Phelps, and Im thinking to myself, "hey lady there is no way Im saving your brother, think about my life." But I look out and see he is in an inter-tube with two others clutching to it for their dear lives. I think to myself well I can still play the hero, and just hope to make it there, if all else fails I can cling to the inter-tube and scream for help like a 7 year old school girl. I head out and the waves are really big and at first I try swimming and get about 5 to 10 feet and realize I am already tired and would rather go back for lemonade. So..... I do, the kid drowns and I live to write another blog....
Ok just kidding. I keep going but realize I can still touch the bottom, so instead of swimming out there, I kind of bounce my way out there. This trick isnt really taught in lifegaurding 101 but for god sakes the kid was in an inter-tube, he can wait until I bounce all the way out there. But at a certain point I can no longer bounce and realize I am in for the long haul. At this point im motivated not by the distant cries of help, but by my own pride of all the newspapers that will write up on me. So I start switching between the back stroke the front stroke, and a kicking float. Ok it was more of a skilled dog paddle, but my swimming is not the point(remember Im the hero). I finally get within 10 feet from the kid and I see between my head going under water and sputtering everywhere, that he is an overweight 10 year-old in a red shirt, and only half of him fits in the inter-tube because his belly gets in the way. And in a nonchalant strong southern accent he say word for word, "Gosh mister, its mighty dangerous out here, I almost died myself ." I think to myself, thats great kid, but if I don't make it to your inter-tube its going to be me thats the dead one. But I make one more desperate attempt at life because I think to myself, that the phrase "gosh its mighty dangerous out here" is too good, not to be given to my blog readers. I know I think of YOU first in the face of death.
So I finally get to the inter-tube and start slowly dragging the three of them back to safety. I out of any of them look the most dead, and Im thinking to myself that this is about team work, and that we all need to work for our safety. But we finally get in, and this cute sister of his says thanks and walks away. NO kiss, not even a romantic dreamy stare, just thanks. And when I get to shore there was no television or newspaper reporters. Nothing!! All I see is this fat kid with the inter-tube still around his waist waddling across the beach towards what I believe is the lemonade I could have had instead of rescuing him. I almost picked him up and dragged him back into the water, so he could drown or have someone else rescue him. I figure at least that would make headlines. BOY RESCUED TWICE, FIRST RESCUER GOES TO JAIL FOR ATTEMPTED MAN SLAUGHTER. But instead I humbly let my fame go strictly to the teatoastoj blog.
So.... after my valiant efforts, I am thinking about hiring myself out to lifeguard for children's parties, and water parks who have a lazy river ride. Anyone that knows me and my body well knows that I would be perfect for this job.(Long limbs with little muscle and bad tan lines.)
Readers please let me know about your heroic rescues, or if you yourself needs a life gaurd for your next party.
and well heres a little david hasselhoff
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