Winter

Dear Chicagoans,

This is a call to action. Lets stand and fight. Fight for global warming. Lets break out the aerosol cans and raise the temperatures back to livable conditions. It’s a crying shame that we should have to deal with this and so lets fight back.

Every year I put up with it and frankly I’m sick of it. Winters, ugh. Chicago winters, ugggghhhhhh. We arrive at it every year the exact same way. September will come and people start asking whether or not you’re prepared. In most places September is one of those months in which you can enjoy the end of summer. But no, for Chicagoans we live in fear. September signals the coming of six to seven of the worst months. Once October hits, the sun never shines. And what sucks is October isn’t the worst. It’s mild in comparison to the coming months.

Yes, November starts it off with day light savings time. The time of the year in which you realize the sun sets at four. I go to school in the dark, and get out of the class in the dark. If I get a chance to step out over lunch, I shouldn’t need to worry about seeing the sun, because the clouds take care of that; November through April. It’s one big gray mess. November is also the month in which the cold is the main focus of any conversation. Veterans hail their survival stories to Newcomers. Newcomers make jokes about how it can’t be that bad. But what they don’t know is that it can. November comes and goes and everyone complains how bad the weather is, but it’s nothing like December.

The only thing that makes December enjoyable is Christmas. The month of December is supposed to be cold, it’s Santa’s month. So you deal with it. But you still curse under your breath. You walk huddled up face down arms crossed from destination to destination. December is the month in which your breath becomes solid, and even your parka needs layers. Often in December I find myself dressed with four to five layers, two tee shirts, a flannel, a cardigan or sweater, a fleece jacket, and a heavy-duty winter coat. Assembled I can barely put my arms down. But at least in December you’re warm from holiday cheer.

January doesn’t have holidays, at least not important ones. There is nothing to look forward to in January. The temperatures in January are always fifteen to twenty degrees colder than December. People die in January, and I tend to feel physical pain when stepping outside. It’s one of those months in which you start to contemplate suicide because of how cold it gets. Those layers that helped in December no longer help. Nothing feels good. It’s just plain miserable. Chicago makes it all the worse because there’s nothing to do in here. It’s not like this cold is accompanied by snow or winter sports. Just cold and wind. Ah, yes the windy city. Whenever the temperature says -8 it forgets to take into account the loop is a man made wind tunnel. Chicago wind chills have been known to get as low as -82 degrees. And even though this sounds bad were forgetting one major part.

February. February is the exact same as January just colder. Last February it was -18 F without the wind chill (-27 Celcius for my European friends). No sun, ever. Nothing. In February I truly believe God hates this place. It’s the only reasonable explanation. Science hasn’t been able to prove why Chicago gets so cold. There is nothing good about February except for the slight idea that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

March, the false light at the end of the tunnel. It gets warmer but 6 is not a suitable temperature in my book. You still cant put your arms down because of all the layers, and you still feel physical pain, a slightly less amount of physical pain. By the end of March the sun actually starts to come back and you remember that hope is on its way. Soon enough your gas bill will no longer be a six digit number. March is ok not because its warm, but because its not so bad. This however, is a terrible way to think about life, I thus hate March.

So friends. Take to polluting. It’s the only solution. I hear all this about global warming and then I experience October to March. I understand how I feel generally is not a scientifically sound argument, but I dare you to live in Chicago for a winter. As far as the icecaps go, its ok, we can grow more; it sure as hell is cold enough here. If you don’t want to pollute then possibly hibernation is the answer. I would be down for not leaving my warm little abode for six months out of the year. It would be better than standing outside thinking about survival as I wait for the train.

Continually,
Sick and tired.

Readers please let me know where you live and what winter offers for you.