Water Park Vacation????

Dear Ingebritson Family,

This Blog is addressed to them and the reasons I don't want to go to a water park. Well ok they already know, But you don't so let me take this time to describe our family dynamic. But first water parks.

Water parks are the sort of place that three types of groups go, families with young children, rednecks, and groups of dude bras that are under 35. I especially hate water parks because I have to deal with all three of these groups of people, pay exorbitant amounts of money to get in, wait in lines while I either shiver because the air is too cold, or sunburn because the air is too hot , and see people in bathing suits that were never meant for bathing suits. And if I want a meal the only kind of food that is offered is greasy hamburgers, nachos with cheese made from plastic, and elephant ears, none of which sounds appealing when on a diet. Did I mention small children. I hate small children and their antsy ways always climbing on everything and touching me with their sticky fingers, asking me if they can cut me in line because they decided to go get cotton candy. But since these children are probably also redneck children their parents are probably yelling at them from across the water park to, "Hurry the hell up, grab my cigarettes, cause were leavin" Now once again I could look at water parks like a cultural experience and go and sit with my sunglasses, read a book and work on my tan. But instead I will sulk because im not on the beach watching the pretty girls go by because pretty girls never go to water parks at least not alone, and never go to pick up guys. But no this isnt the biggest problem, the biggest problem is I can t swim at water parks. Believe it or not, water parks dont have swimming pools. How this is true, I have no idea, but you would think that if you were going to go to a water park you could at least do a few laps, or show off your diving skills. Nope!!!! They have a wave pool but here you can only sit trapped inside a inter-tube and bounce in water that has been pissed in by a million little kids with sticky cotton candy hands and get run into by 29 year old assholes that think it would be a great idea to relive their high-school football days and take out everyone else in the process.

Ok ok I know I sound a little cranky and that once I got there I would have a great time. But it brings up the other issue of my family dynamic. We will start with my brother.

Its important to explain first off that my brother and I are very different. On paper we are very similar, we are both avid readers, both big fans of good food and beer, both baseball fans, same parents, and agree on multiple political issues. But personality wise we are two completely different people. My brother is the kind of guy that believes if you dont have anything to say you just shouldnt say anything. Where Im under the belief that a void can always be filled in any conversation no matter how small the gap. My brother is also the kind of guy that likes to lay low, and really enjoy his time off. I.E. sit down and not move for extended periods of a time. Where I have places to go and people to see even when Im sleeping. Now we are usually pretty good when we see each other for short periods of time and we can both be involved in an activity, that is low stress and we both enjoy quite a bit. But putting us in long lines where there is extended voids in the conversation and a beating sun spells disaster. (I remember the family vacation to New York where he wanted to sit in the hotel room and watch the second baseball game of the day, and I wanted to get out and explore one of the greatest cities in the world. We parted ways) I cant say this for fact but I believe my brother is more of a lazy river rider or a wave pool kind of guy, where Im a fastest slide I can find guy. And I don't want to have this sort of separation divide us. I believe we should come together over our similarities, such as a cold beer and baseball game, and enjoy ourselves.

Now my father. God bless my father, He is more similar to me in the way where he can shoot the shit about pretty much anything and doesn't mind the long lines. But personality is not where my father and I differ. He has recently been battling diabetes and has started to change his diet and his way of life. I applaud him for this. But I know that for a long time his staple food was hot dogs, pizza, hamburgers, and chips. (all of which I ate today, lol) And its hard to break habit, and I can guarantee that going to a water park wold not be the best place to try to break a habit. It seems to me that one would be hard pressed to find anything at a water-park that hasn't been deep fried, battered or slathered with some goodness that would make the health gods cringe. And so I think as a family we should be supportive and maybe go to the beach and pack a lunch of fruits and salads and sandwiches filled with avocado and tomato.

And so I am left with my mother the ring leader of the family. She tries so hard to get us as a family to do things together and we sometimes succeed. But I have to say there is some things some families do together and some things other families don't. Our family isnt so much a water park family anymore. I know that at one time when I was 10 or 11 we as a family went to water parks, but I feel that we have changed. We do much better seated around a table arguing or discussing an issue that we feel pertinent, or watching a baseball game together. Even going to the beach would be nice. But a water park is a natural divider. My mom has already said she wants to spend her time in the lazy river ride, where I just feel lazy on a river in which im stuck in an inter-tube all day.

So I have thought of a solution. We can rent one long canoe, Pack a cooler full of beer, healthy food, and a radio. My brother can sit and listen to the baseball game or read a book, my mother can be tied behind us in an intertube and my father and I can roe roe roe our boat gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily, life is like a dream.

So readers please let me know what your family cant do together and for what reasons, or if you have any thoughts on what my family could do together. (and readers the responses have been kind of silent lately.)

Public Transportation

Dear fans of luxury,

How I wish I could be you. How I wish, that when I sit down to go to chicago, I would have ample leg room, air conditioning that consistently works, and conversations that are somewhat my own. But NO NO NO, I ride the south shoreline. Now, I have rode public transportation most of my life and generally enjoyed it. There is a genuine thrill of riding the train the first couple times. Its a real melting pot of people, some of which are quiet and nice and take up as little space as possible, but mostly its full of people that are loud and rude and think that when they buy a ticket it generally means they own the entire train for the duration of their ride. And like I said the first couple of times you ride the train, one looks at these sort of people as a kind of culture that you can take in. But this quickly dies after about 3 rides, when you start to become inconvenienced.

My last time heading into chicago was one of the worst. I got on at one of the beginning stops, and so I had the whole train in order to choose a seat. This is an important decision for me because I have learned after several times riding that its important to choose a seat in which you think you will be bothered the least. When I got on I went to a seat that was a two seater facing the direction of travel towards the front of the train. It was nice because I had a window seat and directly kitty corner from me I have a cute girl facing away from the direction of travel. (So we could eye each other, and possibly I could start a conversation if things went well.) She moved immediately after I sat down, and I realize she just never gave me a chance. (im sort of like your favorite pair of socks, Im nothing special at first but the longer you have me around the more your madly in love) (call me weird but I have favorite pair of socks). Anyway... the girl moving didn't bother me, she was sort of like an added bonus, Im convinced it wasnt me anyway. So I rode in medium comfort for the next two stops, its still a little uncomfortable only having a few inches of leg room, but I can survive. A few stops later two families of 4 that know each other got on the train. They decided to sit in front of me in a four seater and across the way to me in a four seater.

At this point I feel as though I must describe the south shore line train. The seats give about 8 inches of leg room and the back of the seats can swing either direction to accommodate a family of four. This means that any one pair of seats on each side of the train can be made a four seater for a family. It still means that the amount of leg room is about 8 inches but this doesnt seem like it would be a problem for a family with kids whose feet never touch the floor.

But that wasn't the case with the two families that decided to sit near me. Their kids were about four to seven years old and walked onto the train like they were being attacked by a million invisible ants. But its fine, its public transportation, and they were not sitting in the seat next to me. At first each set of two kids, sat next to two parents. This seemed like the most sensible arrangement, and what the south shore line is intended for. But about a mile down the road the parents decided, it would be more fun for their kids if they all sat next to each other. The kids shuffle out of theyre seats and into a newly made four seater across the way from me. The set of parents that were across from me were now in a two seater, and the set of parents that were in front of me decide that I would like a four seater. Wrong!

This created a large problem for me because it was still early on in the ride and we had about an hour an a half to go. I understand that knowing my luck things were only going to get worse, and so I shoot my death stare across the way to the man who just inconvenienced my life.(I have mastered the art of passive aggressiveness.) At the next stop the train decides to get full and a guy my age sat in the seat next to me, while all of the other adults on the train were fighting not to sit in the four seater with 8 inches of leg room. Turns out that a middle aged couple that seemed to be on a blind date lost that battle and were forced to clammer over us so they can happily sit facing us. We were now sitting in such a way that each persons legs were intertwined with the person across from them. Due to this I was quickly becoming intimate with a 45 year old woman that looks like she runs the Chicago Public Library, (meaning her glasses were so far down her nose, she was always looking up to speak). At this point I have decided that my eyes if used correctly can become death rays, and so I was still staring at the guy who did this to me hoping to burn a whole in his head. His response was to lower his sunglasses and to start speaking French with his wife and children, who i was convinced were speaking solely about me. So not only was I uncomfortable I was now paranoid that other people are speaking about me. I try to pick up my book but cant read more than five sentences because of how angry I was, and when i get angry i get hot. And.... while all of this happening the guy on the blind date was trying everything he could to impress the girl I was so unwantingly intimate with, and tell her every pointless fact he knew about chicago, and the 1912 steal workers mafia. As he does this, I believe he was also trying to impress me and the rest of the train because he was almost shouting. But no one was impressed because the only one on the whole train that was laughing at his jokes was himself.

So... lets recap my symptoms. I am a uncomfortable, paranoid, angry, and hot, with the only thing to do was to listen to a cheesy forty-five year old make bad jokes and tell bad stories to a woman who everyone else on the train believes I was dating. So... I am also getting funny disapproving looks from strangers because I appear so intimate with a woman that is old enough to be my mother. Can things get worse. Yes they can. While all of this was happening I am listening to the four children who I can not see due to my lack of mobility, scream and clammer about like the circus has just arrived in town.
But after what seems like 4 hours of this complete and utter agony the train started to pull into the station. And you know that feeling when you have almost arrived somewhere by train or by plane but cant get out of your seat yet because its still moving. Its a feeling that screams through out your whole body, move now! Well I felt that.

But I finally got off and surprisingly enough my day wasn't ruined, it just started off badly. And readers I might sound bitter but you would be too if one little train ride makes you start to contemplate suicide. Please let me know about any horrible travel experiences you had, and the person that made it that way. Because lets me honest, when a good time is spoiled its never our own fault.

Birthday's

Dear fans of cake,

Please join me in my crusade to convert all the people of the world into cake fans. And ladies and gentleman I'm not talking about the 90s rock band, this is about the moist and fluffy, succulent and smooth goodness that one puts into their mouths on special occasions, being holidays, birthdays, wednesdays, saturdays, friends birthdays, baby showers, weddings, funerals, day before diet days, celebration of losing weight no matter how small the amount days, anniversaries, graduations, day after any celebration because there is leftovers, two days after any celebration because you bought and or made to much days, and sympathy days( i.e. breakups, loss of an animals, sad movies, stormy weather, cloudy skies, chance of cloudy skies, weight gain, and just plain sadness). You know the cake Im talking about. The one that you splurge on because well... your feeling rather you today. I know for myself I always feel rather me, and thus Im always in the mood for cake. And I don't have to worry because you never hear anybody blame there weight gain solely on cake. Its always hamburgers, or pizza, or candy, but not cake. Actually cake says the exact same thing a successful diet says. "You've made it, with your good attitude, hard work, and strong positive thinking you can go places." And I like this because it means I don't have to diet anymore. I can just eat cake.

This weekend is one of the best weekends for cake, Im celebrating a birthday and enjoying a family reunion all in one. Twice the cake!!!!

For me birthday's are sort of bitter sweet. On one hand you receive all that cake and presents, and its a day utterly devoted to you. Which is great because you begin to get a sense of what a king or queen might feel like on a daily bases. On the other hand birthdays say something quite terrible, your one step closer to responsibilities and death. All birthdays say after today the parties over big guy. But it's strange because for birthdays its not someone else telling you that the parties over. Its an inner feeling in which you reflect on how much you didnt accomplish within the last year, and how if you dont change now then its going to be another year of self destruction. Birthdays become the metaphorical stepping stones of life and we always judge our selves harshly based on this. Such as Im 20 and im still a virgin, Im 27 and Im not married yet, or im 35 and have no job and live with my parent. The worst being Im over 40, still a virgin, not married, have no job and live with my parents, who still make my bed. For me, early on I was rather hard on my self and was upset when I turned 14 and was still a virgin. But after a while I stopped using these stepping stones, and realized my life was going nowhere. This way I can continue to eat cake blindly, and if something good happens than it will be a pleasant surprise no matter how late it comes. Here I come virginity loss at age 86!!
And readers just because I don't want to leave you with the thought of 86 year old sex, Ill leave you with my top 5 cakes.
white bakery cake from mackenzies bakery.
my mothers texas sheet cake.
confetti cup cakes with confetti or funfetti frosting, preferably the more unatural tasting the better.
angel food cake with fresh strawberries on top.
and spice cake with 7 minute frosting
(I also enjoy grandma Beeke's cake, but have only ever tried it once) Hint! Hint!

Please let me know more reasons to eat that moist and fluffy, succulent and smooth goodness that one puts into their mouths, and your top cake choices. Let us eat cake!

Beach Hero

Dear David Hasselhoff fans, 

You have a new star to love, Me. 

I went to the beach today to have a nice day in the sun, and received exactly the opposite.  It rained and was windy the entire time, but the bad weather didnt start until after we had drove an hour to get to the beach. We decide we would stick it out because the beach is about getting wet anyway. But getting in the water or even getting wet wasnt my plan at all, I decided a walk down the beach would avoid the problem of me having to get into the water. But beach walks in which you promise yourself you wont get wet never pan out and after about 2 minutes I was soaking and complaining the whole way. My friend makes go back to the car, change into my bathing suit and get into the water. After about 10 more minutes of complaining about bad weather I finally take off my sweater and traverse the freezing cold beach to get to the water. 

Now I must tell you, Im not much of a swimmer. Actually I haven't swam for over 2 years. But oh well its only a little water and it cant kill me. After about 10 minutes of bouncing in the waves in a manageable spot, where there is no possible way I or a 2 year old child would ever die, I am approached by a beautiful girl. Im thinking to myself, well hah this is my lucky day, I can use my sexy german on her (unfortunatly german is definitely not one of those romance language, and espescially not spoken by me who can really only ask for directions and ask how someone is). But thankfully she speaks first, in english. Well maybe not thankfully. She asks me in a sort of quizzical nonchalant way if I'm a good swimmer. I feeling confident, that this is her way of seeing that Im a strong young ample buck say, "Why, Yes". Now remember I havent swam in two years. She then tells me her brother is stuck really far out in the vast sea, and he needs someone to go rescue him. 

Here I put myself in a dilemma because I just admitted Im basically Michael Phelps, and Im thinking to myself, "hey lady there is no way Im saving your brother, think about my life." But I look out and see he is in an inter-tube with two others clutching to it for their dear lives. I think to myself well I can still play the hero, and just hope to make it there, if all else fails I can cling to the inter-tube and scream for help like a 7 year old school girl. I head out and the waves are really big and at first I try swimming and get about 5 to 10 feet and realize I am already tired and would rather go back for lemonade. So..... I do, the kid drowns and I live to write another blog....

Ok just kidding. I keep going but realize I can still touch the bottom, so instead of swimming out there, I kind of bounce my way out there. This trick isnt really taught in lifegaurding 101 but for god sakes the kid was in an inter-tube, he can wait until I bounce all the way out there. But at a certain point I can no longer bounce and realize I am in for the long haul. At this point im motivated not by the distant cries of help, but by my own pride of all the newspapers that will write up on me. So I start switching between the back stroke the front stroke, and a kicking float. Ok it was more of a skilled dog paddle, but my swimming is not the point(remember Im the hero). I finally get within 10 feet from the kid and I see between my head going under water and sputtering everywhere, that he is an overweight 10 year-old in a red shirt, and only half of him fits in the inter-tube because his belly gets in the way. And in a nonchalant strong southern accent he say word for word, "Gosh mister, its mighty dangerous out here, I almost died myself ." I think to myself, thats great kid, but if I don't make it to your inter-tube its going to be me thats the dead one. But I make one more desperate attempt at life because I think to myself, that the phrase "gosh its mighty dangerous out here" is too good, not to be given to my blog readers.  I know I think of YOU first in the face of death.

So I finally get to the inter-tube and start slowly dragging the three of them back to safety. I out of any of them look the most dead, and Im thinking to myself that this is about team work, and that we all need to work for our safety. But we finally get in, and this cute sister of his says thanks and walks away. NO kiss, not even a romantic dreamy stare, just thanks. And when I get to shore there was no television or newspaper reporters. Nothing!! All I see is this fat kid with the inter-tube still around his waist waddling across the beach towards what I believe is the lemonade I could have had instead of rescuing him. I almost picked him up and dragged him back into the water, so he could drown or have someone else rescue him. I figure at least that would make headlines. BOY RESCUED TWICE, FIRST RESCUER GOES TO JAIL FOR ATTEMPTED MAN SLAUGHTER. But instead I humbly let my fame go strictly to the teatoastoj blog. 

So....  after my valiant efforts, I am thinking about hiring myself out to lifeguard for children's parties, and water parks who have a lazy river ride. Anyone that knows me and my body well knows that I would be perfect for this job.(Long limbs with little muscle and bad tan lines.) 

Readers please let me know about your heroic rescues, or if you yourself needs a life gaurd for your next party.

and well heres a little david hasselhoff

On returning home

Dear culturally shocked people,

I am one of you. I came from Berlin in which the parties don't let up until 2 in the afternoon, and the techno beat continues ringing in your ears for another 12 hours. I came from a city that is run by cafes and coffee shops that are nearly 20 steps away from each other. I came from a city in which I felt like the conversations people were having seemed important in the intellectual circles. In some way I believed I was making progress as an artist and being somewhat respected for my work. But....... I found that none of this means anything in Kalamazoo, Michigan. The conversations revolve not so much about the current state of the art world, but more about the most current neighbor to have gone to the hospital because they have foot cramps, or how my 12th cousin 70 times removed is getting a dog that somewhat resembles my dog (except its black and 3 times smaller). In Kalamazoo, you have to drive 15 miles to get to a coffee shop that serves filtered dirt water which costs $3. I once thought Germany has no clue on fashion sense, but that wasnt until i went back to the Kalamazoo grocery stores. It seems as most are over weight and dressed in spandex and cut up xxxl tshirts, while the others are over weight and dressed in cuttoff xxxxl jeans and spandex shirts. (never have I been in a place that spandex is an every day fashion choice for the people who have never run in their life.)  

But maybe im just bitter. I came from one of the most happening places in the world, to suburban america. If I want social interaction I must attend bible study. If I want to go the library I must fight to get a computer to look up books, over people who want to play tetris or check facebook with the sound on full volume. (I detest this). For entertainment I ride my bike 40 to 50 miles through cornfields and small towns filled with gas stations, churches, and applebee's.  For intellectual stimulation I turn to books, that seem to surround the topic of european coffee culture, that leaves me not in a place of thought but an ever growing longing to be back.( A moveable feast, hemingway, and when you are engulfed in flames, sedaris.) I go on 2 to 3 walks a day with my dog, who seems to share my restlessness to get away from big lawns that always need mowing, and picket fences that seem to always get in the way of mowing. I want to drink pure hefewiezens that are 75 cents per glass and speak broken deutch and spanish that always brings smiles to the blond haired german girls wearing sun dresses. I want to dance for a whole night as if to pretend that the next day legs will no longer exist. Oh Berlin bring me back. 

But.... its not all bad, Im here with my family, and even though we seem to disagree on every subject under the sun, its nice to be in their company (and get really good free food). Its good to be able to see my dog who waited at the door for 4 months while I was gone. Its nice to find the English speaking books that I want with out having to search all over town. Its good to find people who get my humor (although I seemed to to know a Bolivian and an Englishman that seemed to get my humor pretty well). Its good to come back and see the culture that I make work about in completely new eyes. Its nice to not have to worry about approaching girls who might not speak my language, or get my cheesy pick up lines. Its nice to eat a really big burrito the size of your head, and see friends who I havent seen in a few years. And god do I love riding my bike 40 to 50 miles through cornfields and small towns filled with gas stations, churches, and applebee's. These are the small reasons why ill always come back no matter how far I go, and how much I liked the place I was previously. (But two weeks is more than enough.)

And I am glad to be writing my blog again, and I will try my best to continue to write, please stay with me faithful readers. 

Asta La Vista BABY

Selfish

Dear friends and family members,

I apologize for not updating my blog regularly, I have been quite involved in my work and have been spending very little time near my computer, unless to upload pictures of my work, I go to Venice to see the Biennale this coming friday and will hopefully free up some time to post pictures and little stories about everything I have been doing. But I am having the time of my life, and would suggest Berlin to anyone who is interested in checking it out. It has everything to the really really gritty to the supper posh. My only complaint is they are 5 years behind with Technology. But I have got my self into so many fun things. Such as biking through the rhine river valley past more than 10 castles and wineries, going to art exhibitions/ tehcno clubs in abandoned bath houses, teaching baseball to cute german girls, and dressing up as the boys of sesame straße to enjoy a cool costume party. Today some friends of mine went to some abandoned GDR apartment buildings and checked out some great spaces, that are filled with really great graffiti. And I promise I have taken pictures of it all. And ill try to get some pictures up soon.  I have written some partial blogs about some of the events I have gotten into and I will get those up soon. Lately life has been busy and I am asking you all to please understand. Within the week my biggest priority will be to get images of my studio up, that have some images of some of the things i am working on. But let me tell you there is something fishy about my art here. 

Love greetings and I miss everyone back home a lot,

Ryan

Party Party Party

Dear morning people,

I am finally one of you. Well in a sense. Lately when I have been interacting with the morning commute crowd, I am returning home from a night of partying, and am going straight to my bed. But its alright because I have found my dancing shoes, and I am pretty sure they are guaranteed to get me through life. But really, I am getting a lot of work done, and have become very busy, so my blogs have slowed up.  But I would like to spend this time talking about a few topics I have been thinking about.

First my apology to the Korean students that attend SAIC. For the last year I have cracked jokes, in the most loving way possible; about your accents, and how you are very quiet, and how you run, and how you bow to everything, and everything else thats funny about you. But I have realized this is an obtuse caricature, due to lack of clear communication and a heavy language barrier. And now that I am the quiet American kid, that has a funny accent, and moves funny, and does the thumbs up to most things as a sign of reaffirmation, I realize this is not an accurate portrayal of America just as Koreans speaking in English is not an accurate portrayal of the Korean people. So when I get back I will make less jokes. Ill still make jokes, just less.

Second, Swine Flu. The day we all die of an epic flu will be the day that pigs fly. Or at least thats what I thought. And then swine's flew, and I am still living, so this is bullshit. But I am sick and tired of our world freaking out over the next big great depression, or the next great flu, or the next big terrorist organization that is going to kill us all. These are all legitimate fears, and I think they all pose and have possessed huge threats, but we worry way to much. We will die, or become poor, or all get terrible diseases one day, but in the meantime lets have a good run at things, and enjoy our selves. And there is a song that i have been enjoying lately by the Carter family,  so I posted the song. I hope you enjoy it. 

Speaking of the sunny side of life, I am going to go bask in the sun and have a nice cold Hefe-Weisen. because thats what we germans do best. Oh and I got my visa, went to Potsdam, and am going to Wiesbaden this weekend, Ill try to let you all know how this goes. Sorry I have lacked on my blogs. I would rather be a busy artist than a not so busy blog writer. Party Party Party Ill post more pictures soon.