Tea Toast & OJ

One Year

2010-02-01T21:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,

I have been writing this blog for just a year and it started as way to commnuicate to my family when in Germany. I became more and more dedicated to the blog and was strongly enjoying the proccess of writing. The realization of my schoolings finale has set it. With large loans looming above me I am beginning to fear exiting schooing. My last few postings were if anything tedious for both you and I. If I am going to write I want it must be enjoyable. I will return to posting when I am in a good place to continue on.

My interest lies with my art, my collaborations, and producing as much as possible. I will be setting up a website this month and my production will be trackable through it. I will continue this blog when I can approach writing without the looming fear of editing. It killed me to step in front of my computer hesitating at every sentence because of my commas or bad grammer. I always thought writing was about the expulsion of ideas straight from the head. I had remarked more than once there is a huge difference between writers and editors. Even though my editing wasn't that good I became exactly what I didn't want to be an editor.

I know a lot of you that read this blog and I enjoyed your support along the way. I thank you, and the blog brought out some qualities in myself I never knew existed. I appologize and hope to be back as soon as possible.

Ryan

The Art Institute of Chicago

2010-01-03T19:55:00.000-08:00

Dear who ever will listen,

The first time anyone goes into a museum it seems as if it’s a race against the clock. Scurrying here and there to view as many of the overprized oversized objects as possible. I remember the first time I went to the Art Institute of Chicago. No different than most first time visitors, I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off scrambling to see something. What that something was I was unsure but I was definitely looking for it. As a high school student my knowledge of art was similar to that of a buffoon, but already there was a true passion for the aesthetic object. At the time it was impossible for me to describe what I so enjoyed about art but it just seemed to strike a cord. Even still it’s hard to describe my love for art, but it has something to do with the uncanny feeling of walking through a museum.

I remember going through coat check and trudging up the grand staircase toward what I later learned to be Gustave Caillebotte’s Rue de Paris. As I toured the galleries I remember thinking to myself “I don’t really understand, but I know I like it.” I had seen some of the paintings in books and catalogues before but to finally stand in front of Seurats, La Grande Jatte, or Monets water lilies was something different altogether. It had to do with the lived experience of a painting, and the strange indescribable feeling one gets when looking at something much more than beauty. Being the buffoon I described earlier, I wandered through the galleries in the most counterproductive way possible, jumping from ancient Chinese bowls, to early Christian paintings, down to the miniature houses. But even though I was charting a less than systematic path my experiences grew greater and greater. As the day progressed I was left more and more speechless. It was that day that I wandered down a narrow staircase only to be introduced to the great Bruce Nauman. My first experience with contemporary art was something completely different than La Grande Jatte but oddly left me with a similar feeling. Life had just expanded tenfold and I was about to experience these works for the next four years. I remember thinking to myself as I left that day, “What a wonderful place, a sanctuary for objects and ideas that commingle to create something almost spiritual.”

It’s now been four years and I know quite a bit more about art. Life continues to expand with every visit to the museum. The works of art still hold on to that strange spirituality they did the first day, but now the feeling of a headless chicken is gone. I can appreciate the strange mixture of beauty, knowledge, love, hate, and extreme silliness at my own leisure. Having free access to a museum is a definite perk and I have taken complete advantage of it. By touring the museum almost daily I know the ins and outs as well as any of the curators. Even with museum efficiency I am left speechless. I can speak about what the art does, it’s place in history, what makes it important, and the discussions it has generated, but this is not what leaves me speechless. Once again it’s the lived experience, and the fact that art contains the entire breadth of life within. The museum has given me the gift of art and the gift of art has given me the gift of thought. It gives me a chance to contemplate and question all of life and at the same time forget everything and simply gaze. It is consciousness, absurdity, and passion rolled into one.

Most days I can be found wandering through the galleries. If I’m not looking at the Robert Rymans then I can be found with the Homers, the Gauguin’s or the EL Greco’s. I’m usually somewhere in the museum learning all about life through the process of looking. Sometimes it’s not the art that grabs my attention. I enjoy watching the people that mimic my first day, and the waves of wonder that fill their eyes. Unbeknownst to them they are just as much art as the objects upon the wall. The museum is a special place because it is just as much capsule and vessel for the works as it is a work of art within itself. The general flow of the museum is a thing of beauty, and can only truly be appreciated when reliving the experiences.

Without a doubt the museum has given me a greater education than four years of sitting within stifling classrooms. It’s probably why the museum was founded as a collection for the students. I am truly sad that the time spent within the galleries will be coming to an end. I ask myself how can I keep my education going after school? Am I entitled to the resources I had as student? And can I continue to enjoy the gems of the museum as I once did?

The museum experience is enhanced by the knowledge of free access. Art works can be given the space they deserve without the looming thought of how to receive the best bang for your buck. With uninhibited viewing time the practice of learning through the process of looking can continue. To approach it from a museum education standpoint the most effective tool in delivering art knowledge is through guided tours. With every graduating student comes a mini tour guide. Free alumni access would mean one person free from the burden of entrance into the museum. That incentive might drive families with an Art Institute graduate to frequent more often, in the hopes to bestow knowledge unto non-artists. Loved ones sharing their knowledge of the works of art and the museum can only improve how we think of museum education. People with a higher knowledge of art can create possibilities for the museum to thrive. It only makes sense that Art Institute graduates are given lifetime access into a museum that was originally intended for them.

So with out further ado this spring I will be leading a coalition of students and alumni in a quest to receive their lifetime access. If you are or know a current student or alumni of the School of the Art Institute of Chicago then please pass this on to them. Let them know that a fight for great treasures is on the way. This is the very beginning of the journey and I will be addressing the students and alumni more formally as the process goes along. Understanding the facts and getting the right people on my side will be the first step. Please stay with me.

As of right now the options for museum access to graduating student from the Art Institute is one year.

Sincerely,
A hopeful student

Readers let me know your experiences with the museum and how you feel towards it.

New Year

2010-01-01T09:05:00.000-08:00

Dear 2010,

2010 brings another year of hopes and dreams, some that will fail miserably and some that will succeed past any of our wildest dreams. I have mixed feeling on the New Year and what to make of it all.

Looking back at 2009 I can say with a smile across my face that all in all it was a pretty good year. It started off with a new President in office and ended with the passing of a health care bill. Personally I feel as if I accomplished a lot. I never imagined some of the success that came my way. It was a year of planning and building, a slow and relaxing year in which I had the time to figure life out. As I step through the door of 2010 I’m a little sad to see 2009 go, but I imagine ten will be just as good nine. I’m not much of a person of resolutions because I generally feel they are goals doomed from the start.

As I sat last night watching the ball drop I thought to myself of the metaphoric passing of time. To be honest it scared the shit out of me. Life seems like a race against the clock and the decision of what to do yearly becomes a daunting task. I think often of Vladimir from Waiting for Godot.

Let us not waste our time in idle discourse! Let us do something, while we have the chance! It is not every day that we are needed. Not indeed that we personally are needed. Others would meet the case equally well, if not better. To all mankind they were addressed, those cries for help still ringing in our ears! But at this place, at this moment of time, all mankind is us, whether we like it or not. Let us make the most of it, before it is too late! Let us represent worthily for once the foul brood to which a cruel fate consigned us! What do you say? It is true that when with folded arms we weigh the pros and cons we are no less a credit to our species…

With this in mind I ask myself not what my resolutions are but rather how can I represent worthily. To take on all of mankind would be pointless, that seems so 2011. Instead I can work diligently and spend every moment in the full embrace of life. To define any further seems a resolution. Yes, I too have goals but this New Year I’ll keep those to my self.

I ask you to spend 2010 the same way I will. Whether you will be having babies, or getting married, or just trying to finish school do it with certain determinism. Know that everything you do has great effect upon the world. Don’t think about this as a weight but rather a gift in which great change can be created through you.

So readers really what I’m asking for is response. I write for you. This year my blog will be taking on a little change. My posts within the New Year are going to continue as they did in 2009. They are shorter from now on consisting of five to six hundred words. Occasionally I will write a longer post but nothing will go beyond 1000 words. As well I will be posting more media. I will work diligently to give you fifty-two posts within the next year, tell more stories and to possibly stop bitching so much. I ask you the frequent reader to respond and let me know of your presence from time to time. I hope for my posts to be story forums, I’m interested in how your life relates to mine. And please if you enjoy one of the posts pass it on to a friend. Maybe a posting on Sandwiches can represent worthily the foul brood to which a cruel fate consigned us better than you think.

So, let me know what the New Year means to you and what is in store for 2010, and please don’t tell me January gym time.

Happy New Year your faithful writer,
Ryan

Christmas Music

2009-12-24T16:56:00.000-08:00

I have posted a song that will aid in reading my posting.

Dear Carolers,

Stop singing on my front porch, in my house, on my radio, and in my car. I hate Christmas music. I don't mildly dislike it, but rather despise it with a passion. It's not that I hate Christmas or even Christmas cheer but I cringe when I hear those twenty five songs that are played over a million times each year. I come home to my mother who believes our family must have Christmas music in order to feel Christmas cheer. I don't know what Christmas cheer means but if it involves Christmas music I want no part of it.

If you're one of the strange beings that actually like Christmas music, you're probably asking yourself, "why such strong words for such a harmless thing." This is why.

I would be fine with Christmas music if I had a choice. Or; if I listened to Christmas music only once or twice during the holiday season. But I don't, I can't escape the thing. My mother believes that when I come home rest is not what I need, rather non-stopped Christmas music. Every day from about the 25th of November to the 24th of December I listen to Christmas songs.

When I’m back home, it starts at about 8:30 in the morning. It's not good enough that the music is just played to her self; she feels the need to spread the cheer. Absolutely anywhere you stand within the house or really anywhere on the property the cheer will be spread. Since I'm home for the holidays she feels the need to spend every waking moment with me. Which is fine. But... we go to the store or to the mall or out for lunch, and the car has to have Christmas music. Once again it's not quiet, rather so loud the cheer is spread to the entire state of Michigan. But... it doesn't stop there. She not only listens to the music but she also feels the need to sing along. Now, I love my mother, but she can't sing. Well she can, but she can't sing well. Thus inevitably we will be stuck in holiday traffic listening to those ear-piercing songs while my mother half sings half hums due to the fact she has forgotten the lyrics. Just when I think things can’t possibly get worse, they do. We finally leave the car to accomplish our shopping and immediately step into a store which also thinks Christmas music is a good option. Not only do I have to deal with it at home and in the car but also everywhere I go in public. Christmas music in small town America seems almost unavoidable.

To be honest, I technically would be fine with that, except for the fact that Christmas music is limited to a total of twenty-five songs. That’s right twenty-five. I know it seems like a lot but twelve to fourteen hours a day listening to only twenty five three minute songs can get old fast. I know your saying, "it has to be more than twenty five." And it is, but the rest are renditions of those twenty-five. Every year some musician thinks to himself or herself it might be a good idea to put out a Christmas album. So they do. But they don't actually want to spend the time writing Christmas songs, so they stick to the twenty-five predetermined song lyrics. If it not Celine Deon or Clay Aiken or even the Backstreet Boys, its Kenny G, the Rat Pack, or the East Harlem Boys Choir. They all put out Christmas albums, not because they feel like they can offer something new. Christmas albums mean cash because, people like my mother buy their rendition as a way to “spice up the holiday season”. So, every year I’m stuck listening to another mediocre musician put they're heart and soul into the Twelve Days of Christmas or Silent Night. It however doesn't stop there. Not only do crappy pop musicians come out with Christmas songs they also find people who will do renditions in different accents. Yes, this is the worst. Just tonight I listened to a Caribbean calypso choir sing White Christmas, as if they actually have seen snow.

I know I sound bitter. But I like my headspace. Frankly Christmas music doesn't give me that. I have been subjected to this torture for twenty-one years and now know all twenty-five songs by heart. For a period of about two to three weeks not a thought can pass through my head due to all the Christmas music. All I can think of is how I am having a Holly Jolly Christmas, whether I want to or not.

Merry Christmas,
Scrooge

Readers please let me know what you’re up to this holiday season, and what if anything bugs you about the holidays and or holiday cheer.

Corn Fed Freedom, and half a Christmas cookie

2009-12-13T10:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Americans,

I grew up across from a cornfield and rode in plows at early ages. Corn and I have been attached at the hip for pretty much forever. It surprised me that this however is true for the rural farmer and city slicker alike.
I recently found myself engaged in watching the documentary King of Corn. The documentary notified me that the chemicals in hair will show how much of a particular food one eats. The tests the filmmakers took showed they consume large amounts of corn in their diets; due to processed foods and meats. It was concluded that more than 50% of their diets were corn. (King Corn) After seeing these astonishing results, I inquired about my own state of corniness. Instead of dealing with expensive tests that informed me of the given; I decided to monitor my diet for a week. It turned out as I speculated that I too am a corn fed boy. I was aware I ate corn products but still was taken back by just how much of my diet was corn. In the documentary they present a challenge to go corn free for a month. I decided to see how difficult it was for a week and then judge from there.
Before I go into my personal story it’s important to talk about the corn industry, and why it’s in all our foods. American corn is a subsidized crop, which makes the farmers money whether or not there is a demand. The result is an over surplus of corn in our system. Michael Pollan an ecological food writer, explains this leads to, “more and more highly processed food,’ ‘adding value to that commodity (corn).” (Pollan Michael, The Way We Live) It creates a perpetual growth of the corn industry, making corn a product in all our food. It’s in our bread, yogurt, chips, cakes, and sodas and it’s fed to most of our livestock. It makes us corn fed boys and girls.
But the fact that we eat so much corn is not a reason to go on a diet such as this. It would be like stating, I’m going to go on a rice free diet if I lived in china. There are underlying reasons why a corn free diet may be beneficial.
Corn production needs fertilizer to help promote growth. However the fertilizer contains nitrogen that is hurting the environment. One source explains that a, “significant portion of such fertilizer is still making its way through the soil and water to the sea. As a result, algae and other microorganisms take up the nitrogen, bloom and, after they die, suck the oxygen out of coastal waters.”( Biello, David) The oxygen sucked from the coastal waters creates dead zones that span up to 7,700 square miles. I.E. a large area where nothing can live! “Scientists warn that a boom in crops such as corn for biofuel will only make matters worse.” (Biello, David)
On top of that an article put out by the GMO Compass estimates that, “about 80 percent of the maize produced in the US is genetically modified.” (Maize) That equals out to about 72 million acres of genetically modified corn produced in 2007 alone. (Biello, David) The result is large portions of corn in our food and livestock. This is scary because GMO corn has only been in mass production since 1997 and the possible side effects are unclear.
With so much corn in our system we have found a way to give it to everything. Most livestock including farmed fish are on corn diets and as Michael Pollan explains the logic is sound, “Calories are calories, and corn is the cheapest, most convenient source of calories.” (Pollan, Michael, Power Steer) Even though it’s the cheapest, this corn is found to be harmful to the animals. Corn fattens cattle much quicker than grass but cows are still meant to eat grass; when they’re fed corn, problems arise. In cattle it can lead to cow acidosis and bloating. If a cow is kept on a corn diet for too long it will die. If a corn diet for a cow is unhealthy, what happens when the unhealthy cows are fed to us? As Pollan explains, “A growing body of research suggests that many of the health problems associated with eating beef are really problems with corn-fed beef.” (Pollan, Michael, Power Steer)
If that’s not enough to keep you from eating corn consider that most processed foods in the grocery store contain high fructose corn syrup. There are differing results on whether high fructose corn syrup is worse than other sweeteners. But tests were done in which mice were fed diets similar to the average American. The results showed, “It took only four weeks for liver enzymes to increase and for glucose intolerance - the beginning of type II diabetes - to begin." (Dixon Rachel) These tests showed there is, “evidence that suggests fructose actually suppresses your fullness, unlike fiber-rich foods, which make you feel full quickly.” (Dixon Rachel) This makes sense when you look at the ballooning rates of obesity and health problems associated within America. Mayo clinic posted a warning on sweeteners such as high fructose corn syrup stating that, “Regularly including these products in your diet has the potential to promote obesity which, in turn, promotes conditions such as type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and coronary artery disease.” (Zeratsky Katherine)
With the votes in on corn industry, I want to turn back to my own situation. First, it’s important to present the kind of person I am. By writing this I can inform others similar to me that it’s possible to limit corn intake. My demographic is the poor college student, excited about their health with no time to cook. In my life I try to stay healthy and keep away from sodas, chips, and high fat foods. If I want a soda I buy a soda and if I want a hamburger I buy a hamburger. I don’t drink a soda everyday or even every week, and the same goes for hamburgers. I rarely eat chips and try to stick to items that are more nutritionally sound. Being on the go, I find myself eating food items such as sandwiches, and pasta. I don’t have the time to cook, nor do I have an oven that works, so I stick to the quicker meals. Navigating a world that supports the unhealthy approach is difficult but still possible.
After the first weeks monitoring I came to find out that more than half my diet had corn in it. The cereal, bread, cheese, meat, milk, and beer all had corn products in them. I did notice that even though my diet was packed full of corn it contained very little high fructose corn syrup. I highlighted the corn items in yellow and the high fructose corn syrup items in red. (See figure 1) Seeing that high fructose corn syrup is thought to be a large part of obesity, I was proud of myself. But in order to effect environmental change, support food diversity, and animal welfare I would have to cut back on the rest of the corn, even my corny jokes (drums).
After some research I realized eating out, drinking beer, and consuming animal products would be out of the question. Except for wild caught fish I was going to practically become vegan. I knew of milks, cheeses and meats labeled as 100% grass fed, but I also knew these options are more expensive. Being a college student I need to keep costs down and expensive grass fed options become non-options. A $6 dollar gallon of milk compared to a $3 gallon of milk just isn’t an option. And the room for error in grass fed labeling is too high to risk.
The day before my diet started I went to the grocery store. Trader Joes is my grocery store of choice for their healthier food and cheaper prices. I grabbed my basket and got shopping. I started with bread; I found in the past that all my bread had corn in it, so I was hoping they would have a solution for me. I label read for a good fifteen minutes before I found a corn free option. My solution was Trader Joes “Organic Bread with Flax and Fiber”. Next stop was sandwich toppings. I was determined that I was not just going to eat peanut butter and jelly all week (Natural peanut butter, Smuckers simply fruit). Besides a large array of vegetables I bought two packages of wild caught smoked Coho salmon. Even farmed fish are corn fed! I then stocked up on a healthy amount of pasta, pasta sauce, and copious amounts of dark chocolate. I was set…
Except for my bill. Fifteen dollars more than usual, and… I was still without all of my vegetables. For this week it was ok, but I was not going to be buying salmon in the future. The first few days were excellent and going well, but about half way though a week of no corn I realized failure. I was looking over my food diary and saw the problem occurred my first night. Saturday. I was at a gallery opening and somebody came up to a friend and said, “the Christmas cookies are amazing.” We immediately went to the kitchen and saw the kind my mother made. Sugar cookies with frosting… my favorite! We analyzed the situation loosely and rationalized it probably had corn in it. My friend however claimed, “no, its ok they’re homemade”. At the time it seemed like pretty good logic, so with out questioning anymore we split one. A half a week later I realized those cookies had three ingredients that are most likely side effects from corn: milk, butter, and eggs. I had failed and my failure was hinged upon half a Christmas cookie. Oh the misery.(see figure 2)
The rest of the week, I was smooth sailing. I must say however, it was pretty hard keeping away from certain ingredients. Half way through the week I started to crave $1.60 cheese pizza made right across the street from my bedroom window. As my stomach rumbled all I could think was, “I can just not put it in my diary.” They’ll never know it will be my little secret. I can sit in my closet gorging myself on all the pizza, ice cream, and corn tortilla chips I want. My closet stayed pizza free. But I can promise you the longer the week went on, the more I thought about it. The constant thought, you’ve already failed what’s the point, was a nagging sore spot. (see figure 2)
But these thoughts bring me to my conclusion. Even though I failed, corn was brought into a new light. I like corn or at least corn byproducts. I sure do like Christmas cookies, cheese pizzas, omelets, ice cream, and pork sandwiches. For the week that I ate no corn, I switched to fish, which I thought was a good alternative. I quickly found out its only an alternative every now and again. But it’s definitely not an alternative for ham and turkey sandwiches. My conclusion was to go back to corn. But, I will try to reduce my corn intake from now on. Being so strict in a diet, especially for a person who likes food, is agony. However, there are still ways I can be proactive. Switching to the bread I bought for my no corn diet and eating more vegetables is one way. I found that when I knew I would be eating no corn I bought more vegetables, which was much appreciated in my pasta and sandwiches. I also ate at restaurants less, which saved me a bunch of money. The extra fifteen dollars spent at the grocery store was still less than the few sandwiches and beers I buy weekly. But I will still go for pork sandwiches and pizza across the way. And there is no point turning down friends who want to grab a beer and fries. If I find a cheap grass fed solution, Ill buy it. But more than just avoiding the problem while everyone eats away at their corn, Ill join in. I’m a natural born follower, a conformist.
We can however push to have subsidies for corn eliminated so we can create food diversity, and lower nitrogen pollution. We can also push food companies into keeping high fructose corn syrup out of our foods. Or as the eloquent words of Michael Pollan say, “The political challenge now is to rewrite those rules, to develop a new set of agricultural policies that don't subsidize overproduction and overeating.” (Pollan Michael, The Way We Live) Corn isn’t evil and in moderation a little corn is ok for the environment and us. But getting to that moderation will be the challenge. I ask you as a reader, to record your eating habits for a week. Examine as I did what parts of your diet have corn in them, and what you can take out. If you drink soda a lot, maybe reduce your soda intake to once a week. If you eat lots of breads and grains with corn products, switch to a brand with no corn. Try drinking beers with no corn syrup in it. Even though Bells brown ale is officially connected with corn, its only prepared with corn flour. That’s much better than a PBR or a Miller High Life that contain corn syrup. In my own diet I noticed half of the corn products were cereal and bread. Cheaply and easily I can avoid this by buying a no corn alternative. By doing this alone I will reduce my corn consumption by close to half and that’s a step in the right direction.
Ill leave you with a quote from the makers of King Corn, its similar to how I felt at the end of my week. “The honest truth is that it’s hard to change the way you eat. Visiting a 100,000-cow feedlot and home-brewing corn syrup did make fast food a lot less appetizing. I can’t eat a hamburger now without hearing the nutritionist from the film, Loren Cordain: “Hamburger meat is really not meat. It’s fat disguised as meat.” But still, it’s hard to avoid the stuff. Industrial food tastes good — it’s salty and fatty and sweet — and it’s almost irresistibly convenient and cheap.” (Ellis Curt)

Yours,
Slightly less corn fed.

Winter

2009-12-05T15:59:00.001-08:00

Dear Chicagoans,

This is a call to action. Lets stand and fight. Fight for global warming. Lets break out the aerosol cans and raise the temperatures back to livable conditions. It’s a crying shame that we should have to deal with this and so lets fight back.

Every year I put up with it and frankly I’m sick of it. Winters, ugh. Chicago winters, ugggghhhhhh. We arrive at it every year the exact same way. September will come and people start asking whether or not you’re prepared. In most places September is one of those months in which you can enjoy the end of summer. But no, for Chicagoans we live in fear. September signals the coming of six to seven of the worst months. Once October hits, the sun never shines. And what sucks is October isn’t the worst. It’s mild in comparison to the coming months.

Yes, November starts it off with day light savings time. The time of the year in which you realize the sun sets at four. I go to school in the dark, and get out of the class in the dark. If I get a chance to step out over lunch, I shouldn’t need to worry about seeing the sun, because the clouds take care of that; November through April. It’s one big gray mess. November is also the month in which the cold is the main focus of any conversation. Veterans hail their survival stories to Newcomers. Newcomers make jokes about how it can’t be that bad. But what they don’t know is that it can. November comes and goes and everyone complains how bad the weather is, but it’s nothing like December.

The only thing that makes December enjoyable is Christmas. The month of December is supposed to be cold, it’s Santa’s month. So you deal with it. But you still curse under your breath. You walk huddled up face down arms crossed from destination to destination. December is the month in which your breath becomes solid, and even your parka needs layers. Often in December I find myself dressed with four to five layers, two tee shirts, a flannel, a cardigan or sweater, a fleece jacket, and a heavy-duty winter coat. Assembled I can barely put my arms down. But at least in December you’re warm from holiday cheer.

January doesn’t have holidays, at least not important ones. There is nothing to look forward to in January. The temperatures in January are always fifteen to twenty degrees colder than December. People die in January, and I tend to feel physical pain when stepping outside. It’s one of those months in which you start to contemplate suicide because of how cold it gets. Those layers that helped in December no longer help. Nothing feels good. It’s just plain miserable. Chicago makes it all the worse because there’s nothing to do in here. It’s not like this cold is accompanied by snow or winter sports. Just cold and wind. Ah, yes the windy city. Whenever the temperature says -8 it forgets to take into account the loop is a man made wind tunnel. Chicago wind chills have been known to get as low as -82 degrees. And even though this sounds bad were forgetting one major part.

February. February is the exact same as January just colder. Last February it was -18 F without the wind chill (-27 Celcius for my European friends). No sun, ever. Nothing. In February I truly believe God hates this place. It’s the only reasonable explanation. Science hasn’t been able to prove why Chicago gets so cold. There is nothing good about February except for the slight idea that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

March, the false light at the end of the tunnel. It gets warmer but 6 is not a suitable temperature in my book. You still cant put your arms down because of all the layers, and you still feel physical pain, a slightly less amount of physical pain. By the end of March the sun actually starts to come back and you remember that hope is on its way. Soon enough your gas bill will no longer be a six digit number. March is ok not because its warm, but because its not so bad. This however, is a terrible way to think about life, I thus hate March.

So friends. Take to polluting. It’s the only solution. I hear all this about global warming and then I experience October to March. I understand how I feel generally is not a scientifically sound argument, but I dare you to live in Chicago for a winter. As far as the icecaps go, its ok, we can grow more; it sure as hell is cold enough here. If you don’t want to pollute then possibly hibernation is the answer. I would be down for not leaving my warm little abode for six months out of the year. It would be better than standing outside thinking about survival as I wait for the train.

Continually,
Sick and tired.

Readers please let me know where you live and what winter offers for you.

Tale of two cities

2009-11-15T10:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Holiday Travelers,

If you’re like me then this holiday season you will be returning to your childhood home. You may be traveling across the world, or down road, but either way the realization of change will be drastic. I can only speak for myself but I personally enjoy the contrast both places provide.

Just before Thanksgiving I spent my time in Chicago enjoying "the smaller things". I would go on late night walks down Lasalle Avenue marveling at the tall buildings and amber glow. I would smile upon my morning commutes in which private space became public. I took the time to see the last minutes of the golden 4:30 sunlight hit some random high-rise window. It was enjoyable even to watch small commanding children lock eyes with sleepy eyed riders on the EL. It's the times in which big city life is put into small prospective that makes life so enjoyable.

But in the country it’s never the small things that make life worth it. Everything is small. Banal stories of leaf raking and dog haircuts fill the conversation. Long thoughts regarding the weather, and snowstorms fill the voids. It’s a little slower and a lot smaller out here. What makes it worth it is exactly the opposite; small town life being placed into big perspective. Hope is the name of the game. It's what gets us through when the jobs dry up or when the schools have leaky roofs. Its what I try to keep in mind when I’m home. I’m not out looking for the "smaller things", rather the best moments are when life seem so big. Its those shimmering frosty stars that are missed in the amber glow of Chicago that make it worth it.

For me I latch on to the contrast both places provide. The conversations about leaf raking, are just as good as that 4:30 Chicago sunlight. Both make life a little greater.

Yours,
Thoroughly pleased

And readers please let me know about what holiday travel presents for you.

On constructing a dream house.

2009-11-14T09:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Architects,

The dream home seems to be stuck in a place of shimmering contradictions: I like the wilderness. I like the city. I like solitude. I like companionship. I like blue. I like red. I like brick walls. I like white walls. I like new. I like old.

It is a near impossibility to imagine a space that is complete in its relation to the creator and inhabitant. Extrapolating definitions by speaking about what the space isn’t seems just as bad as holding onto ideals of what it is or might be. At times one is struck by the shear catchiness of the act to define a capsule that would encapsulate all our hopes, dreams, wants, and desires.

But for my self, the multiple drafts of an ideal space only seem to be riddled with nonsensical marks that finalize themselves in utter failure. I am no architect, and bothering myself with dreams that seem trivial is not a game I want to play.

However, using my own framework (my current apartment) seems completely different. It latches onto the concrete, and from the concrete I can speak of the abstract without contradictions. To spare the reader I will refrain from trudging long-winded descriptions of my dwelling and instead mull over what can stay and what can go.

First and foremost the 24-year-old pot smoking, party-mongering hack of a roommate can go. He can take his clutter, his second hand highs, his glass blowing torch, and his dirty white gym socks with him. Yes, his books on Identifying the Dream, and Buddhism for Dummies can go as well. And just to make sure he can take those ugly-ass women, and that repetitive 90’s techno music. Life would be so much better with out him. No more razors left on the sinks and in the showers. No more constant smell of ego waffles, fake maple syrup and weed wafting through the house. No more cupboards packed full of Chef Boyardee, Pasta Roni, and Instant Mac & Cheese. And no more counters filled with candy corn, empty fruity pebble boxes, and plastic sporks.

I never want to see another black light poster or electric strawberry vanilla candle again. I never want to have to pick pubes from my sink, or change my socks due to maple syrup. I don’t want to be the bad guy and tell people to get the fuck out of my house at four in the morning. I don’t want to have that discussion about shared space. I don’t want to come home and find the windows open and the heat at seventy-eight. I envision the day when my space will be free of clutter and no longer considered a war zone. I envision coming home and being able to see hard wood floors and granite counter tops. I envision being happy after a long stressful day. But most of all I envision no longer dealing with the daily occurrences.

Like the other day, I came home to find glass blowing bead separator dried on the hardwood floors, the subwoofer, the desk, the laptop cord, the granite kitchen counter tops, the sink, and all the utensils. The couch was full of coats, pillows, and wet towels, the bathroom was littered with socks, my toothpaste cap, and old razor handles. And the motherfucker was missing in action.

After his return the Napoleon-esque stance he took armed only with a fork was almost laughable. Seated behind the kitchen table, he chomped on a soupy mess of fake maple syrup, globes of jam, and cold ego waffles. He then in the most eloquent way he could tried to tell me that the reason the house was such a mess was based solely on the morning after pill. I listened to him describe his condom situation in graphic detail and then tell me how this girl he got pregnant had spilt the bead separator. Seeing I wasn’t impressed the show continued. With the most extreme agony I witnessed him change directions and tell me that he’s madly in love with a girl that won’t love him. Mind you, a different girl. I was going to remind him that getting other women pregnant might be a reason someone would cease their love, but I refrained. The show somehow got better. I watched as a steady stream of tears fell into the half-inch pond of Mrs Butterworths that sat below him. I almost felt sad until I remembered that my Subwoofer was still caked in bead separator. The only thing I could muster out of my mouth was, “Well, I imagine you will get this shit cleaned up.”

It’s funny to me that someone who doesn’t go to school and is jobless can have a bad day. If I smoked $200 worth of weed a week, I would be smooth sailing.

Not even a week after the bead separator incident, I came home to witness the picture window shattered. I’ve dealt with sleepless nights where drug dealers are coming to the house at four in the morning. I’ve listened to him pass diseases on to new women and manipulate stories about free love and the hippy dream every night. I even put up with him calling me pimp-a-licous, but the picture window hit my breaking point.

All I want to do is sit and enjoy silence when silence is due. I should be able to marvel at floors that are so shiny I can see my own reflection. I should be able to study and prepare for the next day of class without hearing a constant techno beat. I should be able to sleep during normal sleeping hours, and have a night in which only the people that pay rent are in the house. I think I’m being reasonable; I’m a simple guy really. I have had many living situations and have enjoyed most of them. I like white walls. I like brick walls. I like solitude. I like companionship. But what I don’t like is motherfuckers who test my sanity every chance they get.

So, when I imagine my dream home, all I want is a clutter free existence. The more clutter brought into my life the closer I get to my breaking point. On the plus side the 24-year-old pot smoking, party-mongering hack of a roommate might be leaving, and just the mere thought of this makes me happy.

Please, let me know what the framework for your dream home looks like, and if yours is anything like mine then let me know what can go immediately.

Sincerely yours,
Almost Insane.

Slim Sandwiches

2009-10-26T07:25:00.000-07:00

Dear fellow gluttons,

I want to make a Dagwood. Yes, a sandwich piled so high you can't see the top slice of bread. Roast beef, pastrami, and freshly cooked honey ham. Bacon, eggs, and hash-browns. Two types of peanut butter four types of jam. Three types of lettuce, and twelve types of cheese. I want tomatoes, pickles, onions, carrots, olives, and peppers. Green peppers, yellow peppers, red peppers, and orange, banana peppers, jalapeno peppers, chili peppers, and more. That's right if its a sandwich ingredient, please slap it on. I want a steak section, vegetarian section, vegan section, and glutton free section. My sandwich will be a sandwich to top all others, and I want it to be named after its height and weight. Four feet six inches twenty two pounds. Using three freshly baked loaves of bread, end pieces and all. And most of all I want to eat it without worry. No more weight gain, or money loss fears. No my sandwich will supersede that.

But... until I can make my Dagwood the way I want, success is yet to come.

As of late my sandwiches average out at 1.5 inches and 2.2 ounces. They are usually mistaken for two slices of bread smashed together. A slim sandwich.

Nobody likes a slim sandwich, but its the price you pay for being poor. Or rather, the price you don't pay for being poor. Scrounging around to set something, anything on that stale bread sucks. I'm lucky if I find chicken or turkey, but usually its just peanut butter and jelly. The worst part is the rationing. Trying to figure out how many toppings I have until my next pay check, makes me terribly depressed. Remember, I lust after that four foot six inch twenty two pounder. In reality, I end up with one slice of turkey some mustard and maybe a tomato if its not molded yet. Assembled, its barely a sandwich.

So what do I do. I dream.
Yes I too have a dream. I have a dream, that one day, this nation will rise up, and live out the true meaning of its creed. We hold these truths self evident that all sandwich toppings should be created with grade A quality and affordable price. I have a dream that the presence of the sadwich, the slimwich, the cheaply made wich will be eradicated. As ludicrous as this may sound , Im standing up for sandwich rights. I want to bring forth a day of the manwich, the megawich, the überwich, the dagwood. I envision the world having a quality sandwich pandemic. Too many sandwiches.

But how is this done? With global food prices and shortages only rising, will we ever see a day of the überwich? There are skeptics that say no. There are people that say we must limit our intake. But I disagree. Once again lets just beat science. Lets put our brains together not to deflect the inevitable but rather bypass it. Science has saved us in the past, and in the name of sandwiches Im calling on science to save us again. Yes I'm almost positive, if we can design a Dagwood that is ecologically, and environmentally friendly, with an exemplary price, healthful outlook, and wonderful taste, I can promise you we will be well on our way to solving the worlds problems. Stop sending your money to save the rain forrest and the ice caps and please start sending it to save the sandwiches. Together we can make one hell of a good sandwich.

Signed yours truly,
The most gluttonous glutton.

P.S. For some good sandwich resources please refer to a blog i wrote previously on the definition of a sandwich. And here is a great resource for scouting out sandwiches in New York.
And please let me know if you have suggestions on how to create an überwich.

Doppler Gangers and Halloween

2009-10-11T15:55:00.001-07:00

Dear Brad Pitt,

Getting compared to you is starting to get a little annoying. In an elevator, buying clothes, or just walking down the street I am bound to be told of our similarities. It always happens in the same way, the person will step in front of me and make it impossible for me to continue through my daily activities. The phrase," Do you know who you remind me of..." is bound to follow their impediment of my life. And woe is me, the hard ships of looking like a heartthrob. It gets old after a while. Imagine the countless dates and modeling jobs I have rejected, and the people that leach off me based solely on appearance. It makes one fearful of ever stepping outside.

For the intelligent reader, you maybe have already caught my fib. In reality it’s not a comparison to Brad Pitt that I receive but rather Jim Carrey. And this is detestable. Yes, some of his films have been decent, but you never think of shear godliness when you think of Mr. Carrey. This lack of godliness is where the problem lies, because godliness is my ultimate aim. On the plus side its better than being compared to Chris Farley or Christopher Walken but common is Jim Carrey really that much better. As a civilized and thoughtful human, I don't walk up to strangers and tell them they look like a spitting image of Rossane Barr, Rosie Odonald, or George from Seinfeld. Sometimes, I have to resist because these people actually look like ugly celebrities, but I garnish myself with a quality I like to call, tact. Maybe others should think about the human condition before they open their mouths. However, I personally don't put this much faith in people. It only gets worse when they immediately follow up their comparison by saying, "but thats not a bad thing!" Like this softens the blow. It would be Ok, if I got comparisons to John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, or even Johnny Depp, but common, Jim Carrey! Please refrain!

I have to laugh, because for the last couple of years I have modeled myself after celebrities even though I hate quick comparisons. I chose from a whole range of celebrities, picking out different characteristics that I like from each. First it was Andy Warhol, then Woody Allen and John Wayne, now it might be Abraham Lincoln, or David Sedaris. But always it has been Brad Pitt. I try to figure out different aspects of my life that can be paralleled to the celebrity world, but then I feel a need to go into hiding and mask myself as Ryan Ingebritson. Thankfully I have a reprieve. Halloween. Yes, its the greatest time of the year because for one night I can actually be myself! Other people say the same thing, but then I see them dressed as little red ride me hard, or hoe white. OOh, I hope this isn't who you aspire to be. We as humans should strive to be great; mediocrity is not even a possibility. So, what does this all come to: a synthesis of greatness. When you see me wearing cowboy boots, pleated slacks, and a turtleneck, sporting a chin beard and looking devilishly handsome. You will know immediately, that I am, as a friend once called me "Woody Wayne". I believe this friend was speaking not of a mere synthesis between John Wayne and Woody Allen but rather the amalgamation, of Wayne, Allen, Sedaris, Lincoln, Pitt, Warhol, Einstein, and maybe a touch of Monroe. Marilyn Monroe. Shortened, it becomes just Woody Wayne. For the people that call me Jim Carrey, the stupidity lies with you. In reality you are only transmitting your fear of being a washed up celebrity. Look a little deeper; you will see Brad Pitt emerge before your eyes. So, I must sign this letter in the only way that I can.

Sincerely,
BW2 (Brad Woody Wayne)

P.S.
Since now you know my 'costume' for Halloween, please tell me who you really are. This means, I don't want to hear a bunch of Supermans, or Football players unless you actually believe yourself to be just that.

My Big City Paradise

2009-10-02T15:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Chaos,

Stay away from me!

As a child, my mother claims I was relatively particular about the way my space was put together. But around the age of eight the spaces I encountered started to be treated as social experiments to test the limits of mankind. In other words, I was extremely messy. I brought chaos with me everywhere I went and gave meaning to the expression, "Bull in a china cabinet." I can only imagine the social embarrassment my parents encountered when people showed up to their house for unannounced visits. Like a tornado, I left a path of destruction everywhere I went, and containment was impossible. Traces of paint and charcoal, mud and grass left permanent stains all throughout the house. And believe it or not, this general state of being continued all the way through high school up into college, and for a while, even got worse. But at some point, I started to grow up and realized that I was nothing in comparison to most college kids.

I distinctly remember my very first roommate and the atrocities of uncleanliness he used to perform. Some of my favorites were him leaving a pot of rice in the rice cooker for over two months, and spots of visible mold growing across the entire kitchen. I thought this was bad until I visited the University of Michigan and saw a toilet with a one inch thick layer of piss and pubic hair caked to the toilet seat. I've heard even worse stories of a friend finding a soggy plate of french fries underneath the toilet , ketchup and all. I know I've committed crimes of cleanliness multiple times before, but I would like to believe Im getting better. Living situations that breed diseases, or having roommates that think I recently fought wars is no longer appealing to me. In a sense I'm growing up. And I wish you could all see me now; living alone, being poor, and paying rent has turned me into a beast of cleanliness.

My apartment which is located in downtown Pilsen, is the perfect place to come back to after a long day of work and class. I have labeled it my Big City Paradise. Four bedroom, two bath, hardwood floors, granite counter tops, stainless steel appliances, and a large stained glass window make this place perfect in every sense of the word. And for the last month I have lived alone. My landlord has been to lazy to find other people to move in, and the guy that does live with me has been traveling for his job. He has not spent more than ten nights in the place. So I sit at home in the evenings at my desk and study in front of the big picture window, reflecting on how great it is to have this place I can call home...

But this last Friday the beauty and peace that had recently come into my life started to fade. I had just brought Charles home, the newest member of my two part family (a Sansevieria Trifasciata). I received a phone call as I was standing admiring Charles in his red terracotta pot, proudly displaying his three small leaves. It was a prospective roommate, and he was in the neighborhood. Five minutes later the trouble started.

Now instead of trying to retell the incredibly awkward story that ensued while he was sitting there. I will make a top 10 list of things you don't want to do when introducing your self to your new roommate.

1. Do not start off a conversation asking me if I smoke weed. This is not impressive. "I don't want to know if you smoke the best or the worst chronic."
2. Do not have predetermined ideas of how you're going to use my spotless living room and desk as your studio. And refrain from making statements such as, "Man, you know, I'm like a glass blower. So what I'm thinking is I'm going to come in here and set up my torch and my fan in the picture window and a kiln all on this table. Its going to be sweet. Man I can show you how to blow glass and shit, dude you're going to totally dig it. I can tell already were going to get along great.
3. Dont proclaim eternal friendship after three minutes of knowing someone.
4. Dont tell me your twenty four, have no job, dont go to school, and your parents pay for your rent.
5. Stop mentioning how rich your parents are.
6. When I ask if you have a lot of dishes and utensils, dont tell me you're just going to just buy paper plates because all you eat is frozen pizza, you're 24, grow up.
7. When we agree on both liking house music, do not get up and start dancing in front of me for three awkward minutes, and then follow it up by saying, "You know, I only rock that pure flow shit."
8. When I ask about your state of cleanliness dont say, "you know, whatever man", giving me a definitive answer.
9. Stop saying "you know" when I ask you questions, I don't know, that's why I asked you.
10. And when I tell you I'm an artist, do not form predetermined ideas that your glass blowing is similar to what I do. I do not want to have "Art Stations", and I do not want to teach you how to paint with watercolors.

and the kicker,

11. When you have a scraggly soul patch and pants that are awkwardly big, please, please, please, don't tell me you have to beat girls off with a stick and then claim that if I 'roll with you', we will be living the "high life". I don't want to live the high life you're associated with.

I know I sound a little angry but I have been so happy in my place and don't want to go back to living like I'm in a frat house. I have already had one mouse and don't want to attract more. The mere thought of someone bringing a torch into my house scares the shit out of me. For a rich boy whose parents have a "mega mansion in the forest" burning down an apartment building is not that big of a deal. But my entire life sits within that place, and I've read that Charles does not do well with flames.

And the worst part of it all is I have no say in the matter. My landlord does the selecting, and apparently my landlord approved this guy to move in. He moves in Thursday, and so my Big City Paradise will be no longer, more of a Big City Inferno. But on the plus side the anxiety that this guy brings will supply you, the reader, with a plethora of blogs. So stayed tuned.

And readers, please let me know if you have met potential roommates that threaten the entire infrastructure of your lives, and how you dealt with it.

And just because I love him so much, here is a picture of Charles.

Meaningful passion

2009-09-24T19:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Lovebirds,

I am one of you. I am here today to stand on a mountain top and sing, to go to the depths of the ocean, traverse the entanglements of the jungle and the barren landscape of the desert, just to proclaim my love. Were not together yet, but, I can only imagine; I will come home after a long day of work and school and it will be sitting there like a ray of sunshine beckoning me to come close, to stroke it ever so gently, to smell its beautiful fragrance. OOOOh my love! Just the mere thought of you reveals the mysteries of the world. Woah is me, how I think about you every chance I get, your big green leafy leaves, and the fruit you bear. Your cute little red terra-cotta pot, the dark soil that nurtures your growth, and the water I should one day feed you on. For in reality folks my love goes not to a woman but rather a plant. Im thinking, maybe a cactus.

I know readers your thinking to yourself, this guy is a nut job, and maybe I am, but I like to think of myself as a romantic nut job, at least. The other day it occurred to me, that its time after three and half years of selfishness, to start caring for something else. And since the dating prospects are not forming a sensible queue, I figured a plant would be a good substitution. Something that can bask in my affection, reciprocate when i make it dinner, and bring me flowers instead of me bringing it flowers. Yes a plant is perfect for me. And all I want to do is make art, write books, create plays, sing songs, and act in feature films that glorify my plant. It is already the object of my love and desire but non the less...... a dilemma has occurred. Even though the love exist for this plant, Im not sure what kind to get.

At first I wanted to get a real leafy plant something small and intimate but with a lot of green. But then the thought occurred to me something with flowers might be nice. I've never owned a plant before, so maybe it should be low in maintenance. Something similar to the kind of women I like; smells nice, comes out when the sun is shining, low maintenance, soft to the touch, and doesn't leave after a season. And even though I dont really like thorny women, a cactus still sounds nice. Not knowing where to find cactus I recently tried the grocery store which seemed somewhat promising. Unfortunately Jewel Osco doesn't have the best plant selection, in reality they only have two types. But non the less I stood there for 20 minutes trying to decide if pet grass would look good on my window sill. I even asked the lady at the meat counter what she thought, and judging from her apathetic reaction I started to doubt the grass option. After leaving Jewel empty handed I went home to really think.

And so readers I need your help. Please give me suggestions on a plant the might be nice for my kitchen. It doesn't get a lot of natural sunlight, and sometimes I forget to water, but I think I can manage three times a week. I don't know if I want flowers, or if I just want something green, but definitely nothing bigger than a rabbit. Winter is near so a vegetable plant might not be the best option. But if you have solutions then please send them to me. Remember this is to be the sole object of my love, so it has to be good, choose well, but please choose because I am starting to get lonely.

I will leave you with a quote from my roommate in Berlin, "Oh, ryan, these plants are going die!." and indeed every last one of them died within a four week period.

Anne I dedicate this post to you.

New Roomate

2009-09-19T16:25:00.000-07:00

Dear exterminator,

Get that thing out of my house, now!

The other day I arrived home after a long day of work and school and went straight to my kitchen to prepare dinner. Upon grabbing the bread from the refrigerator to prepare a first class meal of toast and peanut butter, I was greeted by a dark gray mouse. He was hiding behind the toaster and ran across the window sill, behind the dishes, and underneath a towel lying on the far counter. To say the least, I freaked out!!!! Now I wasn't as bad as my mother who upon seeing a mouse in her house in the mid 90s stood on the top of the couch and screamed for what seemed like 3 hours. But it definitely got my heart racing. And instead of cornering the mouse and finishing this silliness once and for all, I backed my way out of the room to calm down (I was afraid to turn my back on a 1 inch mouse in case he attacked me like a million pitbulls fighting for their last meal). After catching my breath I realized this might potentially be my end. I was the only one in the house. I went back armed with my running shoes on and the longest broom I could find. I approached the dish towel in which the mouse had ran under five minutes previous and wIth one epic blow struck the towel and sent it floating to the floor, with no mouse. The mouse had somehow escaped to a new hiding place, and I had a strange feeling he was just waiting to attack. So I ran back into the other room to call everyone I knew. Being alone I needed consoling.

After everyone on the phone laughed at my hysterics of finding a small field mouse, I decided to turn towards a real sense of comfort... the internet. I was searching for solutions on how to get rid of this vermin that was destroying the basic foundations of my emotional life. For all I knew he could be carrying the black plague, and I would lie dead in my house for weeks spurring the downfall of humanity. I needed solutions and I needed them fast.

Some of the solutions I wanted to use were not economically or environmentally feasible, like putting my entire neighborhood inside one of those tents and fumigating until all things that ever moved were dead. I started searching for homemade solutions. The best and most humane solution was a trick to place a toilet paper roll on the edge of a counter with peanut butter inside. You then place a trash can under the toilet paper roll and wait for your mouse to climb inside and topple into the trash can. After a few sleepless nights of coexisting with George (I named him George), I decide enough is enough. I put up the trap and waited to take the trash out.

I went to bed hoping all would go well and I could go upon living a normal life free of utter terror. But.... when I woke up in the morning the toilet paper roll had been pushed back onto the counter and the peanut butter that I placed within the roll was all but eaten. George had gotten the better of me. After 15 more variations similar to this I realized I was just feeding George and that if this went on he might reproduce and I would have many Georges running around creating the downfall of human existence.

After my failure to capture George the humane way, I have resorted to several different tactics. First I called my landlord who claims his solution will be poison. But I dont want poison because if George dies in some vent, he will begin to smell and attract insects, snakes, rodents, bears, and other animals that are attracted to smells. But I dont have to worry so much about this, because my landlord seems to be the kind of guy that gets to problems when he damn well feels like it. And when I called him he didnt seem as if he felt like it.

So my next solution was to rid the place of all food on the counters, lower drawers and cabinets. If I just keep my place really clean George will get the picture that the free buffet is over and he will move on to terrorize some other household. I have been doing this well for almost a week and still I see mouse dropping everywhere, which means he's feeding off some food source I know nothing about. So what do I do? Im thinking about buying actual traps but this seems expensive and unnecessary. I don't really want to kill the little guy I just want him to leave and never come back. But maybe death is his only option, he has driven me to complete paranoia. Every few minutes I hear a little rustling somewhere within the house and I go out armed with my broom that is now always at my side, and poke at everything that could be a potential hiding spot.

Everything that happens in my house is now blamed on George. My oven is reading that a "connection failure occured", the lights sometimes flicker, and the dryer didnt dry my clothes properly. All of these things are George, and he is causing me to not sleep. I dont even leave the house anymore in hopes I might catch him. I now have dark circles under my eyes and walk like a hermit everywhere I go. And yet, somehow he still evades me. Every scratch that I have on my skin and every sound that is louder than a pin drop is attributed to my furry friend. One of us has to go, and it might just be me.

Ok well in reality its going to be George, but please this insanity needs to end. I was once an intelligent dignified person, but anymore if you were to look there is no difference between me and the crazy man that sleeps outside of my house. Who knows maybe George torments him as well.

I relate my experience with the scene from Annie Hall in which Woody Allen goes to kill a spider armed with a tennis racket and copy of the national review, he comes out of the bathroom completely and utterly defenseless, complaining how its the size of a Buick.

The utter insanity, what am I to do!

Readers if you have ever experienced a mouse problem please tell me your story, and what you did to solve it.

Minimalist Pack Rats

2009-08-26T20:55:00.000-07:00

Dear collectors of stuff,

I am secretly one of you, but I try so hard not to be. At heart all I want to be is a minimalist, but as soon as I purge myself of all the things I own I get an irresistible itch to replace the emptiness I have created in my world . This time the object that creates worth in my life is art, but in the past it has been baseball cards, lincoln logs, and native american dream catchers. Part of me feels a certain level of sophistication and joy with my new objects that I collect, but still I wonder that if at some point these art objects will be pushed aside as crap, for a new found love of fleas, coffee mugs, and rare rabbit feet from indigenous tribes.

I began wondering this as I was preparing to leave home and travel back to Chicago. The whole week I spent my time weeding through objects from my childhood and early teens. Objects like vintage army men, Briar horses, cribs I had once slept in, lincoln logs, Legos, trains, K'nexs, Beanie Babies, baseball cards, books and more books, clothes, and even boxes and bags that once housed or carried the memorable keepsakes I just mentioned. Each one of these objects at some point were placed neatly in appropriate bins in order to accrue value and dust, so they could survive the countless garage sales and trash bins in which some of the cheaper and less memorable objects had succeeded to. As I went through these bins I began to ask my self a series of questions. Mostly stemming from, "Why do I still need this crap!"

My quickest answer to this question was, "its a part of me!" But then I began to wonder how much a part of me these objects are if I dont look at them until the next large weed-out. Some of the items I keep around because I still secretly enjoy them but have no time to look at them (baseball cards and toy trains). But other items I just shake my head at why I wanted them so badly, and then why I decided to keep them around for such a long time. Such as Beanie Babies.

In the mid to late 90s I and millions of other children and adults grabbed up beanie babies like it was water before a draught. Each one of us believed that we were going to save these items and make a fortune on them after about thirty years. What everyone forgot to take in was that, with so many people saving these objects, it was going to take a hell of a lot longer than 30 years to make a stuffed wiener dog rare. But none the less I believed myself to be a true collector by going to only the finest of the hallmark stores and purchasing my princess Diana bear just as it hit the shelf at 6 in the morning. I even made sure to go to the care of putting the tags in plastic sleeves. And as any true collector would have done at the end of the day of playing with the beanie babies that I had spilt Spaghetti O's and Chef Boyardee on, I threw them into a large crate containing the other highly valued stuffed objects, and put them in a closet out of site. I could now spend my energy focusing on all the money I would make from the over night interest those over sized colored cotton balls were bound to receive. As I had once intended I never got around to paying for my college tuition with my profits as a successful investor. But I did manage in this last weed-out to put the beanie babies into a charity pile, so future investors would be able to pride themselves with the challenges of maintaining a fleet of highly prized objects.

Now that Im older I dont know if I could be so quickly drawn into a fad such as Beanie Babies. But in some way, art doesnt seem so different. Art is an object in which I enjoy looking at, spending time with, and thinking about. Hopefully, it will accrue interest and I can it give away my highly prized objects to museums so that the same objects that inspired thought in me will inspire thought in millions of others. But even with a justified answer on why I collect, there still seems to be only one real justification for collecting. Collecting gives us worth, and worth is an inescapable feeling. Wether it be art, a flea collection, baseball cards, or even books, we need something to show off or sit in front of so we can pat ourselves on the back and admire all the hard work we have done.... Ok so its not hard work but acquiring is still a job, and thus its still work.

Non the less at a certain point we have acquired too much worth and the only thing to do is a little spring cleaning. Finally we can get that crap we have collected over the years out, and make room for the real treasures we have our eyes on. But as an artist and a creator of objects I sometimes lose all hope. This idea that one day someone can switch from collecting my prized object to collecting fleas, makes me never want to make anything ever again. But believing someone will stop collecting fleas, put them away in a box to collect dust, and have my art give someone a renewed sense of worth, keeps me going for several lifetimes. I AM FINALLY BETTER THAN THE FLEAS!!!

As for now I will continue to collect art and it will be the only thing I will show on my walls because I believe it inspires thought. But if at some point Im ready to stop thinking and start living you better believe Im going to be looking for the nearest indigenous rabbit foot outlet store with my check book out.

Readers please let me know what you collect and why you collect it, and if sometimes you feel a little ridiculous looking at ancient Mayan masks and wondering how in the hell your going to pay rent this month.

Libraries

2009-08-24T21:38:00.000-07:00

Dear fans of coffee shops,

Go there, and chat it up all you want, bring your kids to terrorize every inch of the building, and play the games on your computer with the sound all the way up, but please, please, don't come to my library.
Ok well, you can come, but be a little quieter. See folks Im just plain frustrated with going to libraries and not having the experience I could have. Libraries at one time were one of the places that I could go and read in absolute silence, and I didn't have to worry about buying anything in order to use the space or get information. I could go and write papers and do research or read books and get away from all the distractions of television, facebook and petty things such as who's dating who, or who got married most recently. It served as a relief from the coffee shops in which you go and pretend like your reading but in reality your watching and listening to everyone else's life. It was a place in which culture wasn't played out but rather taken in, and this was a wonderful thing. But as my life has become more about getting away from the distractions I get further and further upset with libraries, and more in tune with their realities.

Lately my experience with libraries has been less than perfect to say the least. And anymore I look at going into libraries and view my time there as a cultural experience. (A cultural experience is my way of saying Im dissatisfied with the people but hope to look at them in a positive way). But libraries should have standards and they aren't being kept and I would like to take this time to remind people of proper library etiquette based on bad experiences I have had.

1. The library is not a coffee house, and not a cafe, if you want to have a conversation please step outside.(This goes for cell phone users as well)
2. I am not an jerk for telling you to shut up or take your phone call outside.
3. If you are a librarian please take your personal phone calls in the back. I dont want to hear about how your third child's father wont pay child support.
4. Pick up you feet when you walk. This goes for everywhere, really.
5. The computers are not for playing games, or checking facebook, especially with the volume on.
6. Computers are not the only thing a library holds, you might be interested in the things that sit on the shelves as well.
7. Children under the age of 15 belong in the children's section, book shelfs are not jungle gyms.
8. I am not an asshole for pointing your child towards the children section. Your just a bad parent, and you shouldn't swear in front of them.
9. The library is not a dating service, stop hitting on the librarians, and holding up the checkout line... but mostly the latter (Iv been known to hit a librarian or two).
10. And for the librarians, its your job to help. My taxes pay for it. Don't act like you have something better to do when you leave. And flatter me a little bit when I flirt with you.

Also I have thought about some things libraries can do to hand back the culture that my tax dollars pay for.
Such as invest in music and movies that blockbuster or best buy dont carry. Movies from the criterion collection would be much better than big mamas house, or the family matters season 4 box set.
And wipe the dust off the two computers designated for searching for books, to at least make the appearance people still read.
Maybe we can designate the library computers be used for only 15 minutes unless for research, Its frustrating when you have to wait in line to look up a book while you watch a 49 year old homeless man play tetris.

I love the library, and I want to continue to love libraries which can be used as a haven of peace, that inspire knowledge and learning. But as of right now I might as well have my haven of peace be the grocery store outdoor furniture department. (Its nice there and no one will bother you or make you buy a coffee.)
So readers please let me know of your library problems or your worst library stories. (I like responses a lot but Im not hearing anything, give me a reason to keep writing these.)

And Kafka on the Shore is a book by Haruki Murakami it has some good things to say about libraries and how ones spiritual makeup is put together. Check it out at your local library.

Water Park Vacation????

2009-08-15T15:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Ingebritson Family,

This Blog is addressed to them and the reasons I don't want to go to a water park. Well ok they already know, But you don't so let me take this time to describe our family dynamic. But first water parks.

Water parks are the sort of place that three types of groups go, families with young children, rednecks, and groups of dude bras that are under 35. I especially hate water parks because I have to deal with all three of these groups of people, pay exorbitant amounts of money to get in, wait in lines while I either shiver because the air is too cold, or sunburn because the air is too hot , and see people in bathing suits that were never meant for bathing suits. And if I want a meal the only kind of food that is offered is greasy hamburgers, nachos with cheese made from plastic, and elephant ears, none of which sounds appealing when on a diet. Did I mention small children. I hate small children and their antsy ways always climbing on everything and touching me with their sticky fingers, asking me if they can cut me in line because they decided to go get cotton candy. But since these children are probably also redneck children their parents are probably yelling at them from across the water park to, "Hurry the hell up, grab my cigarettes, cause were leavin" Now once again I could look at water parks like a cultural experience and go and sit with my sunglasses, read a book and work on my tan. But instead I will sulk because im not on the beach watching the pretty girls go by because pretty girls never go to water parks at least not alone, and never go to pick up guys. But no this isnt the biggest problem, the biggest problem is I can t swim at water parks. Believe it or not, water parks dont have swimming pools. How this is true, I have no idea, but you would think that if you were going to go to a water park you could at least do a few laps, or show off your diving skills. Nope!!!! They have a wave pool but here you can only sit trapped inside a inter-tube and bounce in water that has been pissed in by a million little kids with sticky cotton candy hands and get run into by 29 year old assholes that think it would be a great idea to relive their high-school football days and take out everyone else in the process.

Ok ok I know I sound a little cranky and that once I got there I would have a great time. But it brings up the other issue of my family dynamic. We will start with my brother.

Its important to explain first off that my brother and I are very different. On paper we are very similar, we are both avid readers, both big fans of good food and beer, both baseball fans, same parents, and agree on multiple political issues. But personality wise we are two completely different people. My brother is the kind of guy that believes if you dont have anything to say you just shouldnt say anything. Where Im under the belief that a void can always be filled in any conversation no matter how small the gap. My brother is also the kind of guy that likes to lay low, and really enjoy his time off. I.E. sit down and not move for extended periods of a time. Where I have places to go and people to see even when Im sleeping. Now we are usually pretty good when we see each other for short periods of time and we can both be involved in an activity, that is low stress and we both enjoy quite a bit. But putting us in long lines where there is extended voids in the conversation and a beating sun spells disaster. (I remember the family vacation to New York where he wanted to sit in the hotel room and watch the second baseball game of the day, and I wanted to get out and explore one of the greatest cities in the world. We parted ways) I cant say this for fact but I believe my brother is more of a lazy river rider or a wave pool kind of guy, where Im a fastest slide I can find guy. And I don't want to have this sort of separation divide us. I believe we should come together over our similarities, such as a cold beer and baseball game, and enjoy ourselves.

Now my father. God bless my father, He is more similar to me in the way where he can shoot the shit about pretty much anything and doesn't mind the long lines. But personality is not where my father and I differ. He has recently been battling diabetes and has started to change his diet and his way of life. I applaud him for this. But I know that for a long time his staple food was hot dogs, pizza, hamburgers, and chips. (all of which I ate today, lol) And its hard to break habit, and I can guarantee that going to a water park wold not be the best place to try to break a habit. It seems to me that one would be hard pressed to find anything at a water-park that hasn't been deep fried, battered or slathered with some goodness that would make the health gods cringe. And so I think as a family we should be supportive and maybe go to the beach and pack a lunch of fruits and salads and sandwiches filled with avocado and tomato.

And so I am left with my mother the ring leader of the family. She tries so hard to get us as a family to do things together and we sometimes succeed. But I have to say there is some things some families do together and some things other families don't. Our family isnt so much a water park family anymore. I know that at one time when I was 10 or 11 we as a family went to water parks, but I feel that we have changed. We do much better seated around a table arguing or discussing an issue that we feel pertinent, or watching a baseball game together. Even going to the beach would be nice. But a water park is a natural divider. My mom has already said she wants to spend her time in the lazy river ride, where I just feel lazy on a river in which im stuck in an inter-tube all day.

So I have thought of a solution. We can rent one long canoe, Pack a cooler full of beer, healthy food, and a radio. My brother can sit and listen to the baseball game or read a book, my mother can be tied behind us in an intertube and my father and I can roe roe roe our boat gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily, life is like a dream.

So readers please let me know what your family cant do together and for what reasons, or if you have any thoughts on what my family could do together. (and readers the responses have been kind of silent lately.)

Public Transportation

2009-08-15T13:08:00.000-07:00

Dear fans of luxury,

How I wish I could be you. How I wish, that when I sit down to go to chicago, I would have ample leg room, air conditioning that consistently works, and conversations that are somewhat my own. But NO NO NO, I ride the south shoreline. Now, I have rode public transportation most of my life and generally enjoyed it. There is a genuine thrill of riding the train the first couple times. Its a real melting pot of people, some of which are quiet and nice and take up as little space as possible, but mostly its full of people that are loud and rude and think that when they buy a ticket it generally means they own the entire train for the duration of their ride. And like I said the first couple of times you ride the train, one looks at these sort of people as a kind of culture that you can take in. But this quickly dies after about 3 rides, when you start to become inconvenienced.

My last time heading into chicago was one of the worst. I got on at one of the beginning stops, and so I had the whole train in order to choose a seat. This is an important decision for me because I have learned after several times riding that its important to choose a seat in which you think you will be bothered the least. When I got on I went to a seat that was a two seater facing the direction of travel towards the front of the train. It was nice because I had a window seat and directly kitty corner from me I have a cute girl facing away from the direction of travel. (So we could eye each other, and possibly I could start a conversation if things went well.) She moved immediately after I sat down, and I realize she just never gave me a chance. (im sort of like your favorite pair of socks, Im nothing special at first but the longer you have me around the more your madly in love) (call me weird but I have favorite pair of socks). Anyway... the girl moving didn't bother me, she was sort of like an added bonus, Im convinced it wasnt me anyway. So I rode in medium comfort for the next two stops, its still a little uncomfortable only having a few inches of leg room, but I can survive. A few stops later two families of 4 that know each other got on the train. They decided to sit in front of me in a four seater and across the way to me in a four seater.

At this point I feel as though I must describe the south shore line train. The seats give about 8 inches of leg room and the back of the seats can swing either direction to accommodate a family of four. This means that any one pair of seats on each side of the train can be made a four seater for a family. It still means that the amount of leg room is about 8 inches but this doesnt seem like it would be a problem for a family with kids whose feet never touch the floor.

But that wasn't the case with the two families that decided to sit near me. Their kids were about four to seven years old and walked onto the train like they were being attacked by a million invisible ants. But its fine, its public transportation, and they were not sitting in the seat next to me. At first each set of two kids, sat next to two parents. This seemed like the most sensible arrangement, and what the south shore line is intended for. But about a mile down the road the parents decided, it would be more fun for their kids if they all sat next to each other. The kids shuffle out of theyre seats and into a newly made four seater across the way from me. The set of parents that were across from me were now in a two seater, and the set of parents that were in front of me decide that I would like a four seater. Wrong!

This created a large problem for me because it was still early on in the ride and we had about an hour an a half to go. I understand that knowing my luck things were only going to get worse, and so I shoot my death stare across the way to the man who just inconvenienced my life.(I have mastered the art of passive aggressiveness.) At the next stop the train decides to get full and a guy my age sat in the seat next to me, while all of the other adults on the train were fighting not to sit in the four seater with 8 inches of leg room. Turns out that a middle aged couple that seemed to be on a blind date lost that battle and were forced to clammer over us so they can happily sit facing us. We were now sitting in such a way that each persons legs were intertwined with the person across from them. Due to this I was quickly becoming intimate with a 45 year old woman that looks like she runs the Chicago Public Library, (meaning her glasses were so far down her nose, she was always looking up to speak). At this point I have decided that my eyes if used correctly can become death rays, and so I was still staring at the guy who did this to me hoping to burn a whole in his head. His response was to lower his sunglasses and to start speaking French with his wife and children, who i was convinced were speaking solely about me. So not only was I uncomfortable I was now paranoid that other people are speaking about me. I try to pick up my book but cant read more than five sentences because of how angry I was, and when i get angry i get hot. And.... while all of this happening the guy on the blind date was trying everything he could to impress the girl I was so unwantingly intimate with, and tell her every pointless fact he knew about chicago, and the 1912 steal workers mafia. As he does this, I believe he was also trying to impress me and the rest of the train because he was almost shouting. But no one was impressed because the only one on the whole train that was laughing at his jokes was himself.

So... lets recap my symptoms. I am a uncomfortable, paranoid, angry, and hot, with the only thing to do was to listen to a cheesy forty-five year old make bad jokes and tell bad stories to a woman who everyone else on the train believes I was dating. So... I am also getting funny disapproving looks from strangers because I appear so intimate with a woman that is old enough to be my mother. Can things get worse. Yes they can. While all of this was happening I am listening to the four children who I can not see due to my lack of mobility, scream and clammer about like the circus has just arrived in town.
But after what seems like 4 hours of this complete and utter agony the train started to pull into the station. And you know that feeling when you have almost arrived somewhere by train or by plane but cant get out of your seat yet because its still moving. Its a feeling that screams through out your whole body, move now! Well I felt that.

But I finally got off and surprisingly enough my day wasn't ruined, it just started off badly. And readers I might sound bitter but you would be too if one little train ride makes you start to contemplate suicide. Please let me know about any horrible travel experiences you had, and the person that made it that way. Because lets me honest, when a good time is spoiled its never our own fault.

Birthday's

2009-08-08T08:30:00.001-07:00

Dear fans of cake,

Please join me in my crusade to convert all the people of the world into cake fans. And ladies and gentleman I'm not talking about the 90s rock band, this is about the moist and fluffy, succulent and smooth goodness that one puts into their mouths on special occasions, being holidays, birthdays, wednesdays, saturdays, friends birthdays, baby showers, weddings, funerals, day before diet days, celebration of losing weight no matter how small the amount days, anniversaries, graduations, day after any celebration because there is leftovers, two days after any celebration because you bought and or made to much days, and sympathy days( i.e. breakups, loss of an animals, sad movies, stormy weather, cloudy skies, chance of cloudy skies, weight gain, and just plain sadness). You know the cake Im talking about. The one that you splurge on because well... your feeling rather you today. I know for myself I always feel rather me, and thus Im always in the mood for cake. And I don't have to worry because you never hear anybody blame there weight gain solely on cake. Its always hamburgers, or pizza, or candy, but not cake. Actually cake says the exact same thing a successful diet says. "You've made it, with your good attitude, hard work, and strong positive thinking you can go places." And I like this because it means I don't have to diet anymore. I can just eat cake.

This weekend is one of the best weekends for cake, Im celebrating a birthday and enjoying a family reunion all in one. Twice the cake!!!!

For me birthday's are sort of bitter sweet. On one hand you receive all that cake and presents, and its a day utterly devoted to you. Which is great because you begin to get a sense of what a king or queen might feel like on a daily bases. On the other hand birthdays say something quite terrible, your one step closer to responsibilities and death. All birthdays say after today the parties over big guy. But it's strange because for birthdays its not someone else telling you that the parties over. Its an inner feeling in which you reflect on how much you didnt accomplish within the last year, and how if you dont change now then its going to be another year of self destruction. Birthdays become the metaphorical stepping stones of life and we always judge our selves harshly based on this. Such as Im 20 and im still a virgin, Im 27 and Im not married yet, or im 35 and have no job and live with my parent. The worst being Im over 40, still a virgin, not married, have no job and live with my parents, who still make my bed. For me, early on I was rather hard on my self and was upset when I turned 14 and was still a virgin. But after a while I stopped using these stepping stones, and realized my life was going nowhere. This way I can continue to eat cake blindly, and if something good happens than it will be a pleasant surprise no matter how late it comes. Here I come virginity loss at age 86!!
And readers just because I don't want to leave you with the thought of 86 year old sex, Ill leave you with my top 5 cakes.
white bakery cake from mackenzies bakery.
my mothers texas sheet cake.
confetti cup cakes with confetti or funfetti frosting, preferably the more unatural tasting the better.
angel food cake with fresh strawberries on top.
and spice cake with 7 minute frosting
(I also enjoy grandma Beeke's cake, but have only ever tried it once) Hint! Hint!

Please let me know more reasons to eat that moist and fluffy, succulent and smooth goodness that one puts into their mouths, and your top cake choices. Let us eat cake!

Beach Hero

2009-08-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

Dear David Hasselhoff fans,

You have a new star to love, Me.

I went to the beach today to have a nice day in the sun, and received exactly the opposite. It rained and was windy the entire time, but the bad weather didnt start until after we had drove an hour to get to the beach. We decide we would stick it out because the beach is about getting wet anyway. But getting in the water or even getting wet wasnt my plan at all, I decided a walk down the beach would avoid the problem of me having to get into the water. But beach walks in which you promise yourself you wont get wet never pan out and after about 2 minutes I was soaking and complaining the whole way. My friend makes go back to the car, change into my bathing suit and get into the water. After about 10 more minutes of complaining about bad weather I finally take off my sweater and traverse the freezing cold beach to get to the water.

Now I must tell you, Im not much of a swimmer. Actually I haven't swam for over 2 years. But oh well its only a little water and it cant kill me. After about 10 minutes of bouncing in the waves in a manageable spot, where there is no possible way I or a 2 year old child would ever die, I am approached by a beautiful girl. Im thinking to myself, well hah this is my lucky day, I can use my sexy german on her (unfortunatly german is definitely not one of those romance language, and espescially not spoken by me who can really only ask for directions and ask how someone is). But thankfully she speaks first, in english. Well maybe not thankfully. She asks me in a sort of quizzical nonchalant way if I'm a good swimmer. I feeling confident, that this is her way of seeing that Im a strong young ample buck say, "Why, Yes". Now remember I havent swam in two years. She then tells me her brother is stuck really far out in the vast sea, and he needs someone to go rescue him.

Here I put myself in a dilemma because I just admitted Im basically Michael Phelps, and Im thinking to myself, "hey lady there is no way Im saving your brother, think about my life." But I look out and see he is in an inter-tube with two others clutching to it for their dear lives. I think to myself well I can still play the hero, and just hope to make it there, if all else fails I can cling to the inter-tube and scream for help like a 7 year old school girl. I head out and the waves are really big and at first I try swimming and get about 5 to 10 feet and realize I am already tired and would rather go back for lemonade. So..... I do, the kid drowns and I live to write another blog....

Ok just kidding. I keep going but realize I can still touch the bottom, so instead of swimming out there, I kind of bounce my way out there. This trick isnt really taught in lifegaurding 101 but for god sakes the kid was in an inter-tube, he can wait until I bounce all the way out there. But at a certain point I can no longer bounce and realize I am in for the long haul. At this point im motivated not by the distant cries of help, but by my own pride of all the newspapers that will write up on me. So I start switching between the back stroke the front stroke, and a kicking float. Ok it was more of a skilled dog paddle, but my swimming is not the point(remember Im the hero). I finally get within 10 feet from the kid and I see between my head going under water and sputtering everywhere, that he is an overweight 10 year-old in a red shirt, and only half of him fits in the inter-tube because his belly gets in the way. And in a nonchalant strong southern accent he say word for word, "Gosh mister, its mighty dangerous out here, I almost died myself ." I think to myself, thats great kid, but if I don't make it to your inter-tube its going to be me thats the dead one. But I make one more desperate attempt at life because I think to myself, that the phrase "gosh its mighty dangerous out here" is too good, not to be given to my blog readers. I know I think of YOU first in the face of death.

So I finally get to the inter-tube and start slowly dragging the three of them back to safety. I out of any of them look the most dead, and Im thinking to myself that this is about team work, and that we all need to work for our safety. But we finally get in, and this cute sister of his says thanks and walks away. NO kiss, not even a romantic dreamy stare, just thanks. And when I get to shore there was no television or newspaper reporters. Nothing!! All I see is this fat kid with the inter-tube still around his waist waddling across the beach towards what I believe is the lemonade I could have had instead of rescuing him. I almost picked him up and dragged him back into the water, so he could drown or have someone else rescue him. I figure at least that would make headlines. BOY RESCUED TWICE, FIRST RESCUER GOES TO JAIL FOR ATTEMPTED MAN SLAUGHTER. But instead I humbly let my fame go strictly to the teatoastoj blog.

So.... after my valiant efforts, I am thinking about hiring myself out to lifeguard for children's parties, and water parks who have a lazy river ride. Anyone that knows me and my body well knows that I would be perfect for this job.(Long limbs with little muscle and bad tan lines.)

Readers please let me know about your heroic rescues, or if you yourself needs a life gaurd for your next party.

and well heres a little david hasselhoff

On returning home

2009-07-31T17:18:00.000-07:00

Dear culturally shocked people,

I am one of you. I came from Berlin in which the parties don't let up until 2 in the afternoon, and the techno beat continues ringing in your ears for another 12 hours. I came from a city that is run by cafes and coffee shops that are nearly 20 steps away from each other. I came from a city in which I felt like the conversations people were having seemed important in the intellectual circles. In some way I believed I was making progress as an artist and being somewhat respected for my work. But....... I found that none of this means anything in Kalamazoo, Michigan. The conversations revolve not so much about the current state of the art world, but more about the most current neighbor to have gone to the hospital because they have foot cramps, or how my 12th cousin 70 times removed is getting a dog that somewhat resembles my dog (except its black and 3 times smaller). In Kalamazoo, you have to drive 15 miles to get to a coffee shop that serves filtered dirt water which costs $3. I once thought Germany has no clue on fashion sense, but that wasnt until i went back to the Kalamazoo grocery stores. It seems as most are over weight and dressed in spandex and cut up xxxl tshirts, while the others are over weight and dressed in cuttoff xxxxl jeans and spandex shirts. (never have I been in a place that spandex is an every day fashion choice for the people who have never run in their life.)

But maybe im just bitter. I came from one of the most happening places in the world, to suburban america. If I want social interaction I must attend bible study. If I want to go the library I must fight to get a computer to look up books, over people who want to play tetris or check facebook with the sound on full volume. (I detest this). For entertainment I ride my bike 40 to 50 miles through cornfields and small towns filled with gas stations, churches, and applebee's. For intellectual stimulation I turn to books, that seem to surround the topic of european coffee culture, that leaves me not in a place of thought but an ever growing longing to be back.( A moveable feast, hemingway, and when you are engulfed in flames, sedaris.) I go on 2 to 3 walks a day with my dog, who seems to share my restlessness to get away from big lawns that always need mowing, and picket fences that seem to always get in the way of mowing. I want to drink pure hefewiezens that are 75 cents per glass and speak broken deutch and spanish that always brings smiles to the blond haired german girls wearing sun dresses. I want to dance for a whole night as if to pretend that the next day legs will no longer exist. Oh Berlin bring me back.

But.... its not all bad, Im here with my family, and even though we seem to disagree on every subject under the sun, its nice to be in their company (and get really good free food). Its good to be able to see my dog who waited at the door for 4 months while I was gone. Its nice to find the English speaking books that I want with out having to search all over town. Its good to find people who get my humor (although I seemed to to know a Bolivian and an Englishman that seemed to get my humor pretty well). Its good to come back and see the culture that I make work about in completely new eyes. Its nice to not have to worry about approaching girls who might not speak my language, or get my cheesy pick up lines. Its nice to eat a really big burrito the size of your head, and see friends who I havent seen in a few years. And god do I love riding my bike 40 to 50 miles through cornfields and small towns filled with gas stations, churches, and applebee's. These are the small reasons why ill always come back no matter how far I go, and how much I liked the place I was previously. (But two weeks is more than enough.)

And I am glad to be writing my blog again, and I will try my best to continue to write, please stay with me faithful readers.

Asta La Vista BABY

Selfish

2009-06-06T12:17:00.000-07:00

Dear friends and family members,

I apologize for not updating my blog regularly, I have been quite involved in my work and have been spending very little time near my computer, unless to upload pictures of my work, I go to Venice to see the Biennale this coming friday and will hopefully free up some time to post pictures and little stories about everything I have been doing. But I am having the time of my life, and would suggest Berlin to anyone who is interested in checking it out. It has everything to the really really gritty to the supper posh. My only complaint is they are 5 years behind with Technology. But I have got my self into so many fun things. Such as biking through the rhine river valley past more than 10 castles and wineries, going to art exhibitions/ tehcno clubs in abandoned bath houses, teaching baseball to cute german girls, and dressing up as the boys of sesame straße to enjoy a cool costume party. Today some friends of mine went to some abandoned GDR apartment buildings and checked out some great spaces, that are filled with really great graffiti. And I promise I have taken pictures of it all. And ill try to get some pictures up soon. I have written some partial blogs about some of the events I have gotten into and I will get those up soon. Lately life has been busy and I am asking you all to please understand. Within the week my biggest priority will be to get images of my studio up, that have some images of some of the things i am working on. But let me tell you there is something fishy about my art here.

Love greetings and I miss everyone back home a lot,

Ryan

Party Party Party

2009-05-08T01:37:00.000-07:00

Dear morning people,

I am finally one of you. Well in a sense. Lately when I have been interacting with the morning commute crowd, I am returning home from a night of partying, and am going straight to my bed. But its alright because I have found my dancing shoes, and I am pretty sure they are guaranteed to get me through life. But really, I am getting a lot of work done, and have become very busy, so my blogs have slowed up. But I would like to spend this time talking about a few topics I have been thinking about.

First my apology to the Korean students that attend SAIC. For the last year I have cracked jokes, in the most loving way possible; about your accents, and how you are very quiet, and how you run, and how you bow to everything, and everything else thats funny about you. But I have realized this is an obtuse caricature, due to lack of clear communication and a heavy language barrier. And now that I am the quiet American kid, that has a funny accent, and moves funny, and does the thumbs up to most things as a sign of reaffirmation, I realize this is not an accurate portrayal of America just as Koreans speaking in English is not an accurate portrayal of the Korean people. So when I get back I will make less jokes. Ill still make jokes, just less.

Second, Swine Flu. The day we all die of an epic flu will be the day that pigs fly. Or at least thats what I thought. And then swine's flew, and I am still living, so this is bullshit. But I am sick and tired of our world freaking out over the next big great depression, or the next great flu, or the next big terrorist organization that is going to kill us all. These are all legitimate fears, and I think they all pose and have possessed huge threats, but we worry way to much. We will die, or become poor, or all get terrible diseases one day, but in the meantime lets have a good run at things, and enjoy our selves. And there is a song that i have been enjoying lately by the Carter family, so I posted the song. I hope you enjoy it.

Speaking of the sunny side of life, I am going to go bask in the sun and have a nice cold Hefe-Weisen. because thats what we germans do best. Oh and I got my visa, went to Potsdam, and am going to Wiesbaden this weekend, Ill try to let you all know how this goes. Sorry I have lacked on my blogs. I would rather be a busy artist than a not so busy blog writer. Party Party Party Ill post more pictures soon.

A Meeting of the United Nations

2009-04-26T11:11:00.000-07:00

Dear globalized world,

I became globalized in one weekend. I went to Dresden with the other international students that go to my university, and had a marvelous time seeing Dresden and hanging out with cool people from all over the world that happen to be involved in the arts in some way. But in some respects in kind of felt like a G20 summit, because of how diverse a group it was. So I am going to try and assemble some sort of list, of the nationalities represented. First and foremost their was the United States, represented solely by me(this is a scary thought). But there were people from Canada, Brazil, England, Ireland, the Faroe Islands, Sweden, Austria, France, Spain, Italy, Poland, Greece, Romania, Estonia, Israel, China, and Australia. I believe I am probably forgetting some countries, but this seems like the majority. But, it was helpful for me because they all spoke english pretty well, and thus I could continue to tell dirty jokes. But it was good all in all. I am not sure if this was the weekend to pick up learning any new German, but I sure as hell can swear in 15 different languages now. And I learned that partying is an international language(spoke most fluently by the Spanish), and that no matter what country you are from, a porcelain museum is not interesting. So maybe extreme boredom is also an international language. But either way Dresden was a lot of fun, and it was made that way by all the people that came along. I have posted a few pictures of my experience and some of the people I spent time with.

But I want to focus on several subjects. First I must finish telling about the height of German Bureaucracy which I thought I saw when I wrote my last blog. But I was so wrong. Getting my visa proved to be the worst experience of all. I arrived to the visa place with all my paper work in hand at 1 o'clock, with a friend of mine who had the exactly same paper work. The short version of the story is that after 4 hours of waiting in 5 different lines, one of us came out with their visa and the other didn't. I was the one who did not acquire my visa. The gist of it all is that I will be spending another full day waiting in line with the exact same paper work I had previously. But its all right because they say that familiarity is a comforting thing. And I am starting to get used to angry German woman scream at me in a language I don't understand. But all is good, if anything it gives me topics to write blogs on.

The other topic I want to focus on, is museums, and museum education. One of my favorite places in the whole entire world is museums. There is nothing better than browsing through a great art museum or a cool natural history museum. Generally I think they are pretty peaceful places that surround the viewer with objects that beg to be looked at. BUT... I hate guided tours. And maybe its that the guide is bad, but I dont like learning the history of gold tea cup sets and silver plated doll houses. But the tour guide thinks I do, and so somehow the guide can stand in front of a one tea cup for 3 hours, and talk to me, like I'm a brick wall, about every moment of this precious little tea cups life. And while this goes on my body goes from an alert ready position, to slightly slumped where I shift the weight on each foot every two minutes, to looking for the closest place to sit down and still look interested, to looking out the window and wondering what's for dinner. But things like a porcelain vases, and baroque furniture is just something you look at and kind of admire, and stroll through leisurely, and if you are still interested you buy a book at the very end. But don't make a bunch bad ass young artists, listen to the complete history of a three hundred year old plate, because they will all be looking out the window, planning their escape. So if you are ever in Dresden or in Meissen, and you plan on checking out some of the museums, I would recommend not taking the guided tours, or at least not the guided tours of 17th century dishes. You wont learn anything, or at least you wont retain any of the information. The only thing I retained was something about King Augustus the Strong, and how much stuff he owned. Mostly because I looked at all of it.

And I dont know maybe I am just bitter right now, but these kind of museums are similar to taking everything I own and putting it in really nice display cases with fancy lighting, and being able to talk about the history of it. Boring!!! Except for the Nutella jar that now permanently sits next to my computer, that is worth putting in the Louvre.

But let me know, what you think of museums like this and, if you think maybe museum education needs to happen in a different sort of way.

Check out the link to my pictures on the right hand side for images of Dresden

Bureaucracy

2009-04-22T16:03:00.001-07:00

Dear Line Waiters,

I am cutting in front of you, because I am sick and tired of dealing with waiting. You would think coming to another country for only four months, would be easy, but this isn't so. I am almost done dealing with all of this bureaucracy, but Ill give you a little insight into all of the lines I had to wait in. When I got off my plane I first had to wait in line for my bags, and then there was the line for the bus. And on my way to the hostel with all my bags there was the line for the currywurst. (Well Ok I waited until after I put my bags away.) But the real trouble started after I got settled in and had that very first currywurst. My first mission was to get a cell phone, because I couldnt get anywhere with out a cell phone. And then the apartment search started, which took way to long, but I found a place after hundreds of calls to people who wanted someone longer or just didnt speak english. Then once I got a place my troubles with the government began. First was waving the German health insurance, which was quite easy once I found the door to the place which was practically down an allee. Next was my trip to the bank to get an account, so I could receive German welcome money. This was also quite easy once I found the only German bank teller that has ever tried to speak English. I think after our conversation, I signed a mortgage but I am not quite sure because it was al in German. Then I had my papers for registering my address, but it was all in German, so I sat at my computer and used apple translator for a couple of hours, so I could write down, that I am single, and tell them my birth-date is correct. But apparently I forgot to translate the part that said I needed my passport and not just a copy. Because I went to the location, and waited 2 hours to sit down with this nice man that didn't speak any English. But when he couldn't find my passport he called over the english speaking lady with one eye, to come yell at me and tell me that I needed my passport. So I went all the way back home to grab my passport wait in line again, to have the same guy look at my passport, for maybe half a second and stamp the papers that were still on his desk. Then tomorrow I have to go get my residency permit, and bring a stack of papers, stating that I have a cell phone, and an address, and a passport, and health insurance, and that my address is registered, and that I am a human being and not some other creature. Its all a little ridiculous, but the worst part is that none of these locations are even remotely close to each other. AND... Germans in the government apparently only work for three hours a week, because most of the places are only open for short periods of time. But I am almost through with it all, and wont have to worry about anything else except for not getting arrested. But at least if I get arrested everyone in the city will know who I am, and will have three copies of my picture. I think the only word for this is a phrase popularized by my grandfather. GODDAMN

Improvment, and thinking in Broken German

2009-04-19T07:22:00.000-07:00

Dear German Speakers,

I can finally think in German. But its sort of like being mentally challenged (no offense) because I can only think in a select amount of vocabulary and I am always searching for the right word. But really, its ok because 90% of the time I am think of currywurst, or Nutella and then these words are just constantly repeated in my head. But I think Nutella is Italian in origin so maybe Im also thinking in Italian.

Ok so enough for the bad jokes. But I am improving, and I just had lunch with my roommate and his parents, and I followed most of the conversation quite well. We had a typical spanish dish with shrimp, calamari, and mussels, with rice. So much for a typical German experience. But it was very nice, my roommate is half spanish, and the conversation was almost completely in German, and a little in Spanish and a little in English. Somehow though we spoke of American relations and the job Obama is doing(excellent). It was a good time, and I tried to follow quite closely. And I have set a goal that by the end of two months, I want to be able to speak good enough German to be able to be sociable and charming again. Maybe this is a stretch but I'll get there.

In other news I head to Dresden next weekend, and I start in my studio this Tuesday. So I will start making more work and have more to talk about then what I ate for lunch and struggling my way through a city.

Anyway Prost. (cheers)

Nutella, and things Germans have that we dont.

2009-04-16T14:09:00.000-07:00

Dear fans of things we cant have,

Germany is the land of milk and honey. Well no... more like the land of chocolate and beer, which I would choose over milk and honey any day of the week. And since I have been over here I have been indulging in some of the delicacies that the German are offering up. First Nutella. We have this in the states, but it is definitely not as popular in the US as it is over here. For those of you who don't know, Nutella is a spreadable hazelnut chocolaty snack, that you can put on pretty much anything. And don't worry mom, almost everything I have eaten in the last week I have put Nutella on. Sandwiches, fruit, toast..... well I guess thats pretty much all I have eaten this week. eek. Somehow since moving to a new country all my cooking habits have gone out the window. I have resorted to the unhealthy style of eating that freshman year of college had to offer. So much for the six pack I worked so hard for. But thats alright because now Nutella is in my life, and were very happy, although chocolate is getting on everything I own. But its something that is very tasty and, goes well with ham and peppered salami sandwiches. Dont judge. Anyway Ill let this guilty pleasure go until I get to the bottom of the jar (tomorrow), and analyze from there if this is an object that will be good for my diet. Its one of those objects thats hard not to buy because you see it in Germany pretty much anywhere you go, and is more popular than peanut butter. (which apparently they don't sell in grocery stores.)

But even though the Germans live with out peanut butter, they are making up for it with all the foods that most of America has long since forgotten about. Such as the McRib sandwich. I have not tried it, but almost all German McDonalds sell the McRib. Which is good because they stopped selling this boneless wonder in America a few years ago. The only other place in the entire world that sells the McRib besides Germany is a select few branches in the Chicago area. (all of which surround my apartment.) So really, I kind of feel at home, which gives me a comforting thought that the link between Chicago and Germany is a mystery meat that melts in your mouth. mmmmm.

Anyway I am going to try and stay away from McDonalds while I am in Germany, and stick my health regiment of chocolate and beer. And hopefully I can stay fit like the Germans. But let me know if you have ever eaten Nutella and how you kept yourself from over endulging. And then also let me know if you think the McRib should make a comeback to America.

Im posting a few more pictures of Berlin at night so check out the link to my pictures on the right hand side.

Grocery Shopping, Food, and more Cultural Differences,

2009-04-12T05:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Grocery Shoppers.

Sprechen sie English? Hopefully, because I have no clue what I am doing. I moved into an apartment yesterday, and had to go grocery shopping, which turned into being more nerve racking than Jewel-Osco, Until now I have been eating out at currywurst, doner kabab, and pretzel stands, because I was in a hostel(these are all excellent foods. This has been working out because I only have to say the name of the food I want, and Danke schoen, and i can go about enjoying my merry self. However this gets expensive, and this weekend is easter holiday, so stores are closed on sunday and monday. So thus I was forced to grocery shop. Now maybe I am not used to going into this particular grocery store, but I dont believe that is the case. I had a hell of a time. I bought meat, but in Germany, the germans just throw shit in their meat. Iv seen, and eaten meat with carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower in own slice. Although I think I bought ham and salami, but with the language gap its quite possible i bought dog , or rat.(just kidding)(hopefully). Besides the meat, I bought bread and some other essentials, but I am sure i looked ridiculous walking around this small grocery store doing maybe 8 to 9 laps and only coming out with less than ten items. Oh well maybe life is about looking a little ridiculous.

But I havent talked about food recently and I feel a little ashamed. So.... let me start this off.

Currywurst and fries with mayonnaise. This food equals a heart attack I would be proud of. Currywurst is sausage chopped up sprinkled with curry seasoning and drenched in ketchup. Delicious! Definitely on my top 5 hot dog list. Its exactly like you would imagine, and it just works, with a nice mesh of curry and sausage and ketchup. WOW! I have noticed most people like to get fries with hot mayonnaise with this. Mostly because they don't feel fat enough. And once again mayonnaise and fries are exactly what you would expect, and it works. I have enjoyed this tasty snack more than once, and I believe it goes well with a Berliner Pilsner.

Doner Kabab!!!! Top five favorite sandwiches, watch out. This is a sandwich that will blow you out of the water (if your in a boat, or swimming or something). This sandwich is turkish, and I am excited because I am now living in turkish town. I may come back fat. This sandwich starts out with a flat bread, and consists of shaved lamb, chopped lettuce cabbage, onions, cucumber, and tomatoes, topped with a red sauce i wouldn't know because i don't speak german. But this warm snack goes good at anytime, from early in the morning to late at night. And besides the lamb, it has to be healthy. But ill be honest it doesn't taste that way. I would recommend to anyone to try a Doner Kabab sometime soon, its a sandwich that America is mourning not having much of. And at the price of 2 euros you can never go wrong.

Schnitzel. Ok wow. I had a turkey Schnitzel and it was amazing, but this is a German treat that once again America is missing out on. I am going to try and come back knowing how to make them, because, its simple that it need to become part of my diet. I am not quite sure how or what it all consists of, but it had lignin berries on top and I enjoyed every bite. I'm sure I will eat more before I get done, and I can explain more later.

So thats just a small portion of the food over here that is good. Please let me know if you know of any german food you think I should try and Ill give it a go.

And last but not least cultural differences. Which I believe this may be a running segment in my blog for a while. But this difference is good and made me laugh. In my hostel before I moved out, I had a conversation with the bartender at mid-day, about why Chris Brown hit Rhianna. He could not understand why rappers do bad things when they have so much money. I ended up trying to explain to him that most rappers are thugs and that they are products of American ghettos. He couldn' t understand that these people were never taught good habits, and so when they get a lot of money their old habits sometimes don't leave them. He just kept telling me that when he gets a lot of money he will just chill. I smiled and remembered that Germans dont have problems with things such as guns, and the ghettos are cake walks compared to American ghettos. I live very close to the turkish ghetto, but I am still very very welcome and all most all of the turkish people I see smile and say hello. So far Germany has been pleasant-vile and everyone is very friendly. Either way I had to laugh that, in Germany, American rap is really popular and they don't understand what it really comes out of.

But I have posted a link to my photos on the left hand side, so please check them out, I will post them as I have time, and will try to add captions as much as possible.

Thanks and Tschüss (thats bye)

Funky Town

2009-04-07T05:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Foreign Travelers,

I am going to let you all live vicariously through my experiences. So the next time anyone asks where in the world you have been, you claim Berlin on your list. This way my stories can become you stories, and you can spread the good news of Berlin across the globe, bringing peace and joy to all that seek it. Well maybe not. But if someone asks you what Berlin is like, you can now tell them.

Its an interesting mix between old and new. The buildings and the architecture, runs the gamut, from extremely old building that looked like they were built for roman emperors, to very hip looking office buildings, to everything in between. Many buildings are sprawled with graffiti and most of the people look like have partied for the last 20 years. But has a unique European feel with people riding bikes everywhere, and small streets with unique sausage stands everywhere. Yes they know sausage and they know it quite well. But that is for another post. But here are some pictures I took within the last coupe days of trying to get apartments, talking to my school and getting used to the time difference.

check it out ill post more pictures later

sign language

2009-04-06T10:54:00.000-07:00

Dear foreign speakers,

I dont know how you do it. I came to Berlin imagining it would be a city I would be able to communicate in easily. Everyone I spoke to, said oh yes when Berliners see English speaking folks they speak english because they want to practice their English. This may be the case. But Im not speaking to the right Berliners then. And I have found I am not speaking better German at all, but I am learning. Such as how to communicate via street sign language. This involves a lot of pointing, smiling, and hoping. This is good because I have skills in all of these areas. And thus far I have managed to smile, point, and hope my way through Berlin.

But really its not that bad. I would say more than half the people I have spoke to speak very good english and are happy to speak to me. And the other half know a little. Today was a good example of me speaking to someone who knew little. I was trying to buy a cell phone to use for the next four months. The young man behind the desk was trying his best to keep up with me, and smiled and pointed a lot, and together we got the business of my cell phone taken care of. However I had to take my passport out at one point, and hand it over to him. As he took it, he got this big grin on his face and said "oh... your from America." I said yes hesitantly, not sure what he was going to say next. But he comes out and says "TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE, Is it real?" I laughed out loud in the store, I thought out of all the cliches America is know for, I didnt know the Texas chain saw massacre movie was one of them. I was personally a little embarrassed I had never seen the movie. However things seemed to run a little more smoothly after that. Which means a lot more smiling and a little less hoping.

But I must go look for a place to stay, Please share with me if you have any stories of any hack job sign language that you have had to do. Im sure Ill have more stories by the end of the trip. And their will be picture and descriptions of Berlin tomorrow so please tune in, thanks.

Traveling

2009-04-05T08:39:00.003-07:00

Dear friends,

I have made it into Berlin safe and sound. But I smell terribly from hot airport terminals, I haven't slept more than 2 hours in the last 26 hrs, and Im paying for internet by the minute. So I will make this brief. First off, disappointments. I did not become a member of the mile high club like I expected, but there were several flight attendants that were looking me up and down, and were pretty cute. If they hadn't been serving me good food all night and morning, I would have been in the club. But thats another thing. The food. In the past I have only ever rode on domestic flights. And they don't compare. I was served a whole dinner that rocked my socks, no top 5 or anything, but Chicken with rice and mushroom in cream sauce is one hell of a treat, compared to the stale crackers I am used to getting. And to have a nice selection of liquor was also nice. Well not nice selection, but a free selection, which was nice. The trip was enjoyable besides the layovers and there was lots of cute women. Europe might be a place to come back to. Anyway, I must explore the city and so I can let you all know what it really has to offer.

Enjoy the States

I Bid You Adeau

2009-04-03T21:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends, Lovers, and all others... oh and family,

I bid you farewell, this will be my last blog before I go global. I will miss you, and you will all be in my thoughts. The only thing left to do is to leave you with a song to contemplate. I feel confident about my trip, and I believe this song reflects how I feel.

So Auf Wiedersehen, Ill write for you all when I arrive in Berlin

Crackers

2009-03-31T18:26:00.000-07:00

Dear White People,

I am not talking about you. I am talking about the snack food. I was reading my friend Petes Blog on chips,(the blog in general is entertaining) and I kept thinking how much I dislike chips. I hate chips so much that I had to write about it. Well OK I don't hate chips, actually I enjoy a good salt and vinegar, every now and then, but... chips don't stand a chance compared to crackers. But nobody likes the guy that brings crackers to the party. And thats where my rage begins. Chips are put on a pedestal compared to crackers, with their shiny bags, their low low prices, and their huge selections in the convenience stores. And because chips are so popular, I feel a little girly while eating crackers. But no more! Im taking a stand. God-Dammit! Maybe its because Im on this whole healthy living kick, and everyone knows crackers are chips healthier more fit cousin. But I don't think so. No. I just like crackers, and I can eat a whole box of crackers and not feel guilty. Thats a wonderful thing, you never feel that way after eating a bag of chips.

So top 5, partially in response to Petes chips, (no order)

1. Animal crackers. Who doesn't love animal crackers? You have to be an uptight bitch, who hasn't had sex in over a hundred year, and hasn't taken a dump in 200 years because their is a stick up your ass, in order to hate animal crackers, thats the only way. The question begs to be answered, why are they so delightful? Well.... Their tasty. Im pretty sure their healthy because their made out of cracker material. Their fun because you can put the animals into provocative positions. And they are the only animals Vegetarian, and even Vegans can eat. Finally, their classic, and classic things are good.

2. Wheat Thins. Wow this is a great cracker. Also good to bust out at the party where there is salsa and guacamole. Try it. I actually like to make my own dip which mixes a thing of fresh salsa and two avocados, mashed up together. Then dip your wheat thins in, and let the explosions of flavors begin.

3. Cheez-It. I somehow associate this cracker with only good times. The perfect party snack. I would also imagine this food would go good with recreational drug use. But I wouldn't know. Also Cheez-It white cheddar is amazing, and would probably go on my top five but I think these two can be combined.

4. The standard cracker and cheese platter. I understand that every cracker should be judged equally but when there is a platter of cheese and crackers, this becomes a cracker category. I love crackers and cheese. The only thing I don't love about cheese and crackers are the plates or lack their of. When a cheese and cracker platter comes out it will usually be accompanied by small plates, or napkins. Small plates are terrible because you can only fit about five crackers on a plate at a time. I am not a five cracker kind of guy. But I would worship a small plate when the only option is a napkin. Because then your walking around looking like an idiot trying to grasp your crackers and cheese in the napkin, and the cracker is crumbling, and your getting cracker parts all over your nice clothes (because these platters only exist at nice clothes events). But when I do have a small plate, I then feel like a fat-ass, because Im the one going back to the table for more cheese and crackers three and four times. And I shouldn't feel like a fat-ass, but you always have the feeling that the guy replenishing the cracker platter, is judging you. Terrible!, either way it stays in the top 5.

5. Bright orange crackers with the fake cheese inside. I haven't had this cracker since preschool but I remember it as wonderful. Its one of those things that you know your consuming utter crap but because its only 6 crackers in the plastic sleeve, you don't feel like you are over endulging. Also Ritz Bitz with either the cheese or the peanut butter would fall into this top five cracker category. But hey the idea of a cracker sandwich is a wonderful thing.

Let me know some of your cracker choices, and maybe some cracker stories. (and remember blogs are great because it gives the reader a chance to comment back and get conversations started. so get to commenting."

I wonder if Germans eat crackers?

Getting Nervous

2009-03-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Procrastinators,

I have five days before I start my four month long journey to Berlin. And I realized today, "SHIT, I dont have a place to stay, I dont speak any German, and I have very little money." What in the hell was I thinking. Now... I have had the last three months off, and I have accomplished very little, past making CDs for my friend's. (two CDs for the same friend.)

Do you ever look back at the last couple months, or year, or couple years and ask yourself what the hell was I doing? I largely think its alright to take a few days off or maybe even a few months off, but somehow I feel Ill be asking myself in several years, still... what have you accomplished? Now, often times I feel this way after talking to business majors, who seem to segment their life in five year increments. Such as, "what have you done in the last five years to accomplish your long term goals", and "where do you see yourself in five years". These are not questions I ask myself..... Instead I go through life stumbling about, and drowning in the muck of decisions that I keep putting off. Somehow though I keep surfacing just long enough to take a deep breath, regain composure and submerge myself once again into things I was not ready to take on. My main question is, Are we meant to have life planned out like business people five and ten years down the road, or, is that what we call distant dreams. I am going to hold on to the belief that most great things that happen didn't have a sound five year plan, and formed by the forces of nature coming together. Im going to hold on to this mostly because I have a hard time telling myself what's for dinner more or less what's expected in five years.

But... there is a word of encouragement from Samuel Beckett. In his play Waiting for Godot, Vladimir, says, "Let us not waste our time in idle discourse! Let us do something, while we have the chance! It is not every day that we are needed. Not indeed that we personally are needed. Others would meet the case equally well, if not better. To all mankind they were addressed, those cries for help still ringing in our ears! But at this place, at this moment of time, all mankind is us, whether we like it or not. Let us make the most of it, before it is too late!....

So I guess the thing to do in accomplishing tasks in life is to be needed. Thus I have turned to women. I figure from here on out women can need me instead of me needing women. Why should I empower other when I can empower myself.

Either way let me know if you have ever felt extremely unprepared while starting something, and then tell me what that thing was.

Travel Preparations

2009-03-26T16:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Haters,

I am becoming one of you. What ever happened to the Jack Kerouac style travel, where there is no real plans involved in travel past the final destination. Its extremely hard to live as a ""free" artist these days. It would be nice to say, that one day I just decided to go to Berlin and then the next day I happened to arrive, by whatever means possible. No instead going to Berlin takes hours of preparations; health insurance, phones, passports, visas, hostels, baggage accommodations, notifying my bank accounts, long term living arrangements that are furnished. Its a little ridiculous. Not to mention the many emails I have sent out to get things squared away. But I am getting close, I will be flying out in a little over a week and cant wait to get there. Then finally my blog will have gone global. I know thats what all my readers have been waiting for. But the great thing about leaving from a place you have spent a long time in, is that every one wants to get together on a more regular basis, and hang out one last time before you leave. Which I love because I enjoy my friends, but it usually involves eating (which frankly I love more)(jk)(kinda).

Case in point yesterday. Now that I have a blog that I write about food on a somewhat regular basis, friends want me to go to their favorite eating hotspots. Which is great because they quickly become my favorite eating hotspots. A friend wanted to get together with me before I left and ended up taking me out to Just Good Food Deli and Market, in downtown Kalamazoo located in the basement of the Rose Street Market. This place is one of Kalamazoo's lesser known fresh deli's. Now it doesn't match the old T E Murchs but, the food is still quite good an possibly the best deli Kalamazoo has to offer. The underlying word of this place is FRESH. Everything there tastes like it was just grown and picked the day before. I ended up getting a vegetarian sandwich with mozzarella cheese, tomato, fresh pesto, and pine-nuts, on two crispy slices of bread. It was delightful. It was served with some chips that were a little less that exciting but I can forgive that. My friend ordered a pasta salad and a fruit and veggie salad that was also excellent. The place is open and airy feeling for being in a basement, and wasn't to busy when I was in there. But then who again eats at 3:30. The sandwich is definitely not a top five contender but its worth wondering in if your looking for some lighter fresh food that will satisfy your healthy tooth. So friends, check it, and if you know of any other real fresh delis I must try, let me know.

Random Comments

2009-03-17T18:53:00.000-07:00

Dear blog followers,

I apologize, for not writing in a while, I have got busy, and I will try harder at writing frequently. But I have alot of small things to talk about today so here we go.

First off, Water.

I am pretty pissed about this one. I enjoy water, and I sometimes prefer it over soda. But when I want water, Im no less thirsty than the guy that wants soda, but somehow the guy that wants soda gets a large cup than me. This is absolute BULLSHIT. So during the course of a meal, I am the one that keeps interrupting the conversation by getting up to refill my dixie cup of water. Or I stay parched. So sometimes when I go to restaurants that do this to me, I order 3 to 4 waters just to avoid the hassle. But then I feel like Im hurting the environment by throwing away so many cups just for myself. Woah is me! So Im going to fight the water Nazis of the world. The next time this happens, Im going to grab the guy by his shirt collar and say, "Hey asshole, super-size this shit!" ... No in reality I am going to grab my dixie cup and slink away defeated and parched. But we'll see who's laughing when I die of dehydration. I can guarantee you it wont be me.

Hot dog recap,

So this weekend I visited Grand Rapids. It was a delightful time of bike riding, hearing good music, eating shitty food, and spending my time with good people. During this trip I visited Grand Rapids hot dog hot spot, Yesterdog, located in East Grand Rapids. This place is something special. Besides the fact that I was given a small water their hot dogs seemed to be so shitty they were amazing. I tried two dogs, the Yesterdog and the Cheddardog. Both excellent! I enjoyed the cheddar dog a little more which consisted of dog, bun, chili and cheddar. This dog is one step away from being put in a cup with spoon and a straw, its like liquid going down the throat. The mash up of flavors make this dog a weinner. LOL! But really go here!, its an experience like no other, just bring an extra pair of underwear, because their chili will really go straight through you, it just DEPENDs when. I apologize for the korny jokes.

Sandwiches,

A friend sent me a link of a blog in which sandwiches are scanned in to a computer. I think it has something to do with art.

Poems,

I have been reading some poems lately, and enjoying it. Now I am rather new to poetry, so I feel a little strange reading it, but Ill share a Tennyson poem that I enjoyed, and felt had a relation to how I feel about making art.

Flower In The Crannied Wall.

Flower in the crannied wall.

I Pluck you out of the crannies,

I hold you here, root and all, in my hand,

Little flower --but if I could understand

What you are, root and all, and all in all,

I should know what God and man is.

Music

I got introduced to a pretty funky band that I kind of dig alot. Coco Rosie,

I dont know if its their best song, but its different and I dig it.

Also I watched I'm on a Boat by Lonely Island, its a funny song and a funny video.

I enjoyed this video a lot. I hope you do too.

Once again, I apologize for not writing as often, but I am preparing for Berlin and I only have 12 days before my departure and I am trying to get in as much as possible before, my blog goes global. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Also DogFish Head 90 min IPA excellent brew. I would highly recommend it.

Cool Art

2009-03-11T18:56:00.001-07:00

Here is a very close friend of mine that makes some killer art. Check it out.

sexy dogs

2009-03-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

Dear followers of encased meat,

I love a good hot dog. I love hot dogs so much that my first ear in college I dedicated a whole semester to making art related to the hot dog. I have a way of thinking that my ideas at the time are absolutely brilliant. In reflection, making hot dog art was a little less than brilliant. But I still believe it is a valid subject, because many people would say that art is about beauty, and well.... hot dogs are a beautiful thing.

While in Chicago this last weekend I indulged in eating Chicago style hot dogs. I traveled to my favorite hot dog place Fast Track on the corner of Lake and Desplaines. Their hot dogs are absolutely magnificent with the right amount of ingredients; a poppy seed bun, Vienna Beef dog, kosher pickle, relish, mustard, sport peppers, tomato slices, and celery salt. I have been to many of the hot dog hot spots around Chicago and I believe that this is by far the best hot dog in the city and their fries aren't bad either. But one may ask what makes their hot dogs so much better than any other in the city and I really cant explain it past they use the best materials. In terms of the feel of the place I would say that it is relatively clean with a nice mix of culture. The man behind the counter always refers to his customers as "My Friend" in what I believe may be a Greek accent and when you sit down at one of their long benches there is a good possibility you may be squeezed between a crack addict, and yuppie mom who is feeding her child in a stroller. The sense of strange community makes this place a winner and if your in or planning to visit Chicago, I would recommend stopping in for a hot dog. And if for some strange reason you didn't enjoy it, your only down $2.25.

I would say the Fast Tack is my favorite hot dog place, however there are some other pretty good hot dog stands out there that I have tried.

Treat Street in Kalamazoo, Michigan would be my second favorite, located in the plaza on the corner of Oakland and White road. This place is especially good because of the buns. Their buns are made specially by Mckenzies bakery, and then toasted like a grilled cheese. The hot dog meat is nothing special but the bun is so good it throws this hot dog up to #2. Combine this hot dog with their signature Lime Soda and the sides of chips and 5 jelly beans, and you have yourself a tasty lunch or dinner. The atmosphere is a nice 1950s soda fountain stand feel, with a mural surrounding the eating area.

#3 would have to be Hot Dougs in Chicago on the corner of California and Roscoe. This gourmet hot dog stand is a local hotspot. The hot dogs are a little pricey but you can get pretty much any type of meat you could ever wish for including rattlesnake, and wild boar. Their also seasoned just right with sauces that compliment the meat you are eating. Check out their website to get a feel for the kind of dogs they serve. Its a real treat in there and Doug the owner is always there to great you.

#4 An old time favorite of mine would have to be the Rootbeer stand at multiple locations around Kalamazoo. Their hot dogs are nothing more than cheap meat and cheap buns, but somehow it just works. But this place is not complete with out going on a hot summer day, drinking their awesome good root-beer in tall glass mugs, and ogling the beautiful car hops as they serve you. Somehow this place will remain a treat to me until I am old and fat from eating hot dogs my entire life.

I also enjoy New York style dogs equipped with sour kraut. But really I just enjoy hot dogs in general so much because every city has their own version of the hot dog. I almost feel that if I want to truly experience the culture of a city it lies within their version of the hot dog. I hear Los Angeles has a hot dog rapped in bacon, and Baltimore apparently deep fries their dogs. But my friends, I am going to Berlin soon and I imagine the Germans will reinvent for me the word "sausage". I'll be sure to let you know!!!

Please let me know if there are any hot dogs you believe are so good that you feel I must try, and then let me know what makes them soooo good.

Over indulging means not going for fourths and fifths, right?

2009-03-05T17:22:00.000-08:00

Dear fellow exercise junkies,

I am still not one of you, but I am getting there, I think. At least thats what mother tells me. I went for my second bike ride of the season today and during this bike ride I figured out just how out of shape I really was. I went for all little spin around gull lake, and back. Things were going well until about half way through the ride in which I hit a hill that was to much and my morale and my energy were taken out of me. I must have looked quite pitiful riding around the lake in my Gerolsteiner spandex's looking all professional and what not, going about 5 to 10mph up those little hills. But on the plus side its only the beginning of the season, and I personally feel as if I got a good workout. So good that I came home and had a big heaping portion of leftover chinese food, oranges, and falafel's. Thats healthy right? Well maybe I will never get to the level of being completely healthy. Maybe its in my genetics to think like a fat man. I got this thought today when I read my brothers new blog (about fat people falling over). And today as I rode those small little hills I felt as if I was a fat man about to fall over and die. But I have hope, because I just read this pretty interesting book called Heft on Wheels, by Mike Magnuson. The book is about Mike that weighed 250 lbs on his 39th birthday and got back into biking. After a year of riding he had dropped down to 175 lbs, and was one of the better bikers out of his field. Its quite the inspirational read, and gives a guy like me, who isnt fat, but has the mind of a fat man, a little hope that even I can whip my self into shape. Maybe not though. Either way anyone that is even thinking about getting into the health game, I would recommend the book.

Besides exercise, I am always looking for new ways to enhance my sex appeal and make my self look a little older and more appealing. I am being tired of being stopped by the police and having them think I am only 16 and should be inside before 8:30. I figure if I can look a healthy 19 maybe 20 Ill be happy. So today while riding my bike, I figured out what I need is a mustache. The thought occurred to me, "Ryan, if you build it, they will come." They meaning the hotties. Either way, that is my new ploy.

And Ill be in Chicago this weekend, so my lent of going out to eat, will have to be put aside for a few days, and I'll have to indulge myself in the wonders of chicago style hot-dogs, falafel's, and bakery foods about once every hour. So much for dieting.

Facebook is my new television

2009-03-03T20:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Facebookers,

So ladies and gentleman a couple of years ago I gave up television for the most part. Every now and then Ill catch a show or just turn it on for some background noise, while I eat my habitual breakfast of tea toast and OJ. And I have to admit that I like to catch "The View" every now and then. I would say that this is a guilty pleasure, but really I have no guilt in watching Barbara Walters, Whoopi Goldberg, Joy, Sherri, and Elizabeth, talk politics and accost Ann Coulter. Thats good entertainment anyway you look at it.(I hate Ann Coulter with a passion.) But really I would say on an average week I watch maybe 6 hrs of television. Personally, I am proud of this, because I have seen it come close to destroying the lives of people that are close to me. But, I am not shy of my own problems.

Facebook. I like the internet. Its a source of wonderful information, great blogs, and cool videos. But Facebook will be the death of me. Often I find myself flipping through the pages of Facebook just looking at pictures of people I barely know or care about. Its not really like I am looking for anything, I find it just kills the time. This is all fine and dandy, but I don't really have the time to do such a thing, nor do I want to have the time to do such a thing. Since I believe in doing things in life in moderation, except for drinking, smoking, and sex with beautiful woman (mom I dont smoke)(my mother reads my blog), I find that I need to solve my Facebook problems somehow. Bring it to a moderate level.

I have thought about deleting my Facebook page altogether, and let my real friends stay in contact with me. But this is harsh and a bad idea in most respects because lets face it, no one emails anymore, and although writing is great and I support it whole heartily, stamps are also somewhat expensive, and well you know, were in a recession. So Facebook stays.

Next I started thinking to myself, that if I gave up Facebook similar to the way I gave up television, would I just turn to another mind numbing media outlet. Do we as creatures need something to zone out on and stop thinking for a bit. I believe so. As an artist I really should make my mind numbing activity be drawing. But the instant change of screens with computers and televisions seem much more interesting. I ask myself what did they do before television and Facebook. My mother tells me they played outside, but in Michigan going outside between the months of November to mid April is just out of the question, so I kind of believe my mother lied. She also told me that she used to walk uphill to school both ways barefoot in three feet worth of snow. So much for listening to your parents.

My next thought on moderating my Facebook usage, was to get a social life, but I quickly realized that this idea was bullshit and cyclical. I rationalized that the larger my social life was the more friends I would gain on Facebook, hence the more pictures I would have posted of me and my friends. Hence the more time spent looking at meaningless things. Or I would start going to parties and meet people once and they would friend me, then, on my off night from partying I would find myself looking at more pictures of more people, I don't care about. Facebook your a MONSTER!!! But your the monster I have looked at several times since I started writing this post.

I guess I am going to have to go to my strategy of just focusing extra hard on giving it up. But I doubt this will happen. Maybe I can rationalize that Facebook is like eating, its just something that needs to happen. And besides its how I let people know about new blog postings and such. Either way its a struggle I will probably deal with for a while.

Do you or a loved one have a problem with an addiction to Facebook or other media source, If so please comment and tell me your struggles, or tell me how you have overcome your issues.

Pretty girls who struggle with Facebook, I would suggest just hanging out with me. I rarely have a camera and rarely do interesting things in real life, so I can promise you, you'll have nothing to talk about on Facebook about. This will result in a lower social life, and less friends on Facebook. So, I have at least found a cure for cuties.

More cool music

2009-03-02T15:17:00.000-08:00

Dear fellow music lovers,

I found another real sweet band that I think is worth checking out. Their names are Mariam Doumbia and Amadou Bagayoko, and they are a blind couple from Mali. Check out this video.

If you enjoyed this song you should also check out their website. Let me know if you like.

Lent and Giving Up

2009-02-25T17:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Suffers of Addiction and Habit,

Today is the first day of lent, which means in my book you still have a week or so to jump on the bandwagon and start forgetting your unhealthy habits. I dont personally believe in doing lent for religious purposes, I just think that is good form to be able to stay in control of yourself and to try giving up something up once and a while. It builds character. Some things that would not be wise to give up would be things such as breathing, or eating. This is what I would call unwise or just plain stupid. Trust me on this one I'm speaking from experience. I tried not breathing today, and that lasted all of about, 30 seconds. However I would say thats a lot better than how I did with not eating which lasted all of about, 15 seconds. What can I say, Im fat.

All bad jokes aside though I really did start my lent today. I gave up going out to eat, which I did two years ago and it worked out great. This is also a huge money saver. Now this one is hard for me because it involves all food and drink places, as well as convenience stores. It also involves a little planning ahead for your day, like making lunch and having groceries in your house for dinner and breakfast. Either that or rich friends. But... don't rely on your friends, or go out to eat with them and when the check comes, explain your dilemma of lent. You will come across as cheap, and an asshole. Also I am doing this with a friend so we can hold each other accountable, I would recommend such a thing. Now there are some exceptions to the rule, such as trying not die. The goal for this lent is saving money, and maybe eating a little healthier, if you happen to get in a bind such as birds have attacked that delicious sandwich you've made, and you wont see your own home for at least another 10 hours, I would say go buy some food. But don't rely on birds attacking, this is rare. But don't get lazy either, and say, "well birds might attack, so ill just not pack a sandwich and save the struggle." Lent is supposed to be a little bit of a struggle, it builds character. The other exception to this rule is travel. This is a big one for me because I am going to Berlin at the beginning of April. So for a few days while I travel and get settled in, I am going to have to rely on eating out. And come on I will be able to legally drink for the first time!!!, do you really think Im not going to stop by the bar at least once! But I am shooting for no more than three days of not committing to my lent.

Other than not going out to eat, I am going to be giving up a few other things for lent. Several things ran through my mind. First I thought about giving up sex, but I feel as if I am doing pretty good with that so far, and you know I might want to keep my options open. So next I thought about giving up exercise. But my six pack should arrive any day now so I figure I will keep that up. I started thinking about not shaving for 40 days but no one wants to see a man with a glistening face of blonde peach fuzz. I felt that if I gave up shaving, then the natural progression would be for me to give up sex. And as I have said already Im going to keep my options open(Ladies)

.... (Creepy). So I went to the internet for some suggestions. I found this great website that suggested helping the environment by giving stuff up. Out of those suggestions I think I can give most of them up, except for dryers. I love the feel of clothes right out of the dryer. But I feel as if I don't have a hard time saving the planet day in and day out. So I decided to give up swearing no more gds or fus or mfs or cts for forty days.

Now here are some things I will definitely not be giving up. Sandwiches, fun, Facebook, and blogging. Now if your one of those idiots that is giving up computers, my blog is an exception, because I would consider my blogs as being under the category of inspirational and self help oriented. And thats why I am challenging you all to give something up for lent. Some bad ideas would be alcohol, if you plan on going to Cancun, or deodorant, if you planning on being around me. Some good ideas would be smoking, if you have cancer (or don't), or elevators if you live in the city (this is a goal of mine one day.) I would also recommend cute girls to give up their boyfriends for 40 days and to start hanging out with me (remember I'm listed as self help oriented). So ladies and gentleman go out there, and seize the day. Get rid of something you feel might be harmful to your health, your money, or your conscience. I promise you, after a week or two you will not miss it as much, and you will feel like a whole new person. Hell if you have problems looking at yourself to much, give up mirrors, I hear after 40 days of not looking at you self you will be shocked by your own image and not care to much. So let me know what you have decided to give up, and I will keep you all updated on how my lent is progressing.

So as a final note, here is a little saying I heard in middle school: Sex can wait, masturbate. Unless your giving up masturbation, then masturbation can wait, sex is great. And if your giving up both, well I guess, your Fucked. Well actually, no your not.

ps. I made a great sandwich today with italian bread, mayonnaise, muenster cheese, roast beef, and thinly sliced green apples. Its definitely a top five contender.

The Art of Staying a Fatass

2009-02-23T20:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Exercise Junkies,

I am finally one of you. NOT!!! ... well I try. See I started working out recently, because I want to increase my sex appeal. Now I know your saying to your self, WOW... "Ryan your sex appeal is off the charts", and that it is, its almost not there at all. But this isn't supposed to be a blog about me pitying myself (that blog will be launched soon, it will be called whisky, cigarettes, and lonely nights). So I am here today to talk about living a healthy life style. Actually no... Im here today to bitch about living a healthy life style.

Since I am currently in between places and living at home, my life has been plagued with free dinners every night, large sandwiches during midday or late at night, and a loving mother who gives me money to pick ice cream up at the store on a somewhat regular basis. This seems like a wonderful thing, but it also happens to be during the time in which I have chosen to get healthy for going to Berlin. And so immediately I have hit conflict, my parents are my fat enablers!!! So the easiest way to get healthy, which is just eating healthier has been ruled out. Which I think I am ok with, except for the fact that the next logical solution to getting healthy is exercise. BLLLLLAAAH...

Well its not that bad, I have been doing sit ups on a pretty regular basis, and am now doing pushups, pull ups and curls. I kind of have fun doing them, because I can dance, and pace myself in the privacy of my own room, BUT the results are not coming quick enough. I sort of had this feeling that I could maybe do 20 crunches and I would automatically have a 6 pack and that v thing that leads down to my manhood. and apparently this is not the case, I am in my third week of doing all my exercises and have only seen minimal results, This is especially upsetting to me because I check every ten minutes to see if my six pack has arrived yet. It hasn't. So I felt the need to up my workout. Cardio. Now, I'm a biker, and so getting my cardio has never really been a problem, because I can just hop on my bike and tour around. But its 4 degrees outside and the thought of going anywhere at the speed of 20 mph with no heat seems ridiculous to me. So I turned to running and I hate running. Usually while running Ill ask myself, "Hey Ryan, What are you running from." And Usually this is the point at which I immediately stop running. But not today, no, Today I didnt ask myself that question, I just went out and got going. I had my running shorts on, a sporty sweatshirt, my ipod, my sweatbands, and my only sneakers that look like they might be used for the purpose of running. (I bought them because I thought they looked cool.) Now all of this is a necessity, because its so very important to show my neighborhood that I do this all time. However I run funny and I get winded after a 1/2 mile. But today I kept going, I started getting the stitch in my side so my run was more of a hobble. And I could only imagine what the neighbors were saying, " Hey Walt, there goes the uncoordinated retard." or "The way he's moving it looks like he has been shot, do you think he needs help?" But I pressed on, because Im a stubborn SOB. and then at 3/4 of a mile I stopped because there was no possible way that I could move any further than that. So I quickly hobbled home and look in the mirror to see if my six pack had finally arrived. And to my dismay it had not.

So I have turned to steroids.

But the next time you see me ask to see my abs, If they are flabs, you will know that I have failed, But if am ripped like I imagine I will be, then you will know that it is the hobble run, that did it for me.

Let me know if your exercise experiences are similar or if you know how to get instant abs with out all the work.

Bicycling Predictions and more Sandwich Talk

2009-02-22T21:07:00.000-08:00

Dear fellow cycling aficionados, (fatso's please scroll down)

The 2009 Amgen Tour of California, has concluded and Levi Leipheimer comes out victorious. Now this is exciting for me, because I feel as if this is going to be a good indicator for the Tour de France. So here is my predictions for the 2009 Tour de France. Astana. Astana. Astana. They are too good, and no team comes close to matching the talent they have. Besides Astana I am confident to say that Mark Cavendish will win the sprinters jersey, because Tom Boonen looks old and tired compared to Cavendish. So the only hope any of the teams have of getting a top 5 finishing spot over Contador, Armstrong, Leipheimer, Kloden, and Papovich is ... doping, or crossing their fingers that the tour just wont let team Astana in. Personally I will be rooting for Christian Vandevelde and team Garmin Chipotle, because he is my Chicago boy, who trains for the big mountains by riding into the wind in Chicago. I think he is classy. This in mind I also think that about Levi Leipheimer. But team Astana is like the Yankees, and its just more fun to root for the underdog. So now that I have predicted it there is no reason to watch... well except for all the upsets and the attacks on the mountains.

I am planning a trip to see a mountain stage in the tour this year, if anyone wants to join me as I hitch hike my way up the mountain your more than welcome.

now Dear Fat Asses (this includes me),

I spent the weekend at the University of Michigan, and had quite a few thrills, one of these thrills, was going to Zingermans, in which I ate the Lisa C's Boisterous Brisket. This sandwich had come highly recommended by many websites and so I had to try it in order to stay loyal to my readers who only read my blog for the sandwich talk. So here is my review of this sandwich.

I would say it made it into the top 15 sandwiches that I have ever had (this is not an actual list). It was good and maybe even great but definetly not out of this world. The meat was the most tender, juicy meat I have ever laid my teeth into, HOWEVER it was on a toasted seeded hot dog bun that was the size of a regular hot-dog bun. I guess this was fine, but as a sandwich maker it would make sense to me, that if I had invented the most tasty meat in the entire world, I might also want to develop a pretty tasty bun to accompany it. Im talking bakery brioche bun or something that is supposed to compliment the meat better. I feel as for the brisket the hot dog bun was a quick decision in order to skimp on the amount of meat they put on my sandwich. This is shameful. AND this place charged $15 for most of their sandwiches. When food is this expensive I should get a sandwich that I cant fit in my mouth. In the case of the brisket I feel as if I should have at least been made full by it, and I wasn't by any means. Maybe when I win the lottery I'll go back and order 3, just so I can have a lunch that I can enjoy and not have to be distracted by the exuberant price or the hunger that I experience at lunch time, or.... the wait. 15 mins!!! is too long to have to wait for a sandwich, no matter how much of a hot spot it is. A sandwich is a thing of delight, and I get so worked up anticipating my food, that I shouldn't have to have a heart attack just waiting for a sandwich. So, if you happen to be in Ann Arbor and are feeling extremely rich and sort of hungry, and have a good hour or so to kill by all means I would recommend going into Zingermans and getting the Lisa C's Boisterous Brisket because I give this sandwich a A-.

So keep eating and keep posting, I have enjoyed the sandwich ideas thus far and will have to try some.

The Land of Milk and Honey

2009-02-20T07:19:00.000-08:00

Dear fellow Pilgrims,

I am traveling to my college Mecca this weekend, the University of Michigan. Being someone that decided to go to a small private arts school, I seem to have missed out on a lot. Even though I am perfectly happy where I am, I sometimes wish that I had made the choice to go to a large state school. In my eyes things just seem to be better there. Sandwiches are tastier, (Maze and Blue Deli/ Zingermans), beer is cheeper and more plentiful, women are cheeper and more plentiful(jk, kinda), people are generally more friendly, and the possibilities of parties are endless. Now this is meant to slight Chicago in the least, we have plenty of great sandwiches, tastier beer, more beautiful woman, and I know quite a few really nice, great people. But this isn't a posting about how great the cold and windy city is. I guess there is something really alluring about UofM, maybe its the 8am parties on game day, with pancakes and cheap keg beer, or getting a huge burrito for $2 when you have no clue what's going on, playing round after round of beer pong, or all the other mysteries UofM unveils. Either way its something really special, and so I found a video and song that sums up how I feel about my time there.

Anyway this is my Mecca, and I try to make an annual pilgrimage there. However I have many other places and spaces that I love and cherish that I could probably also call Mecca, which some other time I will write about. But please write to me and let me know what your Mecca is and why it is so great.

So Ladies and Gentleman Party on!

Grocery Store Add on

2009-02-19T12:30:00.000-08:00

Really this is how i feel when I go to Trader Joes, and often this is how it is.

My Strange Addiction to a Grocery Store

2009-02-19T11:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Shoppers,

Since I have moved back to Kalamazoo, there is one place I have missed a lot from Chicago. This place is Trader Joes, the grocery store (ill call it TJs). I know this sounds strange but I think its one of the greatest places in the world. In Kalamazoo I go to Meijer Thrifty Acres not because I want to, but because its the only option. Somehow Meijer makes going to the grocery store absolutely miserable, I thought this was always the case, until I moved to Chicago. After a year of going to Jewel Osco and feeling the same misery I did at Meijer, I finally made the switch to TJs. It was as if the heavens had opened up for me, I finally saw that life was worth living, and any thoughts I might have had of suicide were completely obliterated.

Now one may ask why is TJs so great. Well ... my friends ... I'll tell you. First off, its the atmosphere, I don't feel as if I am going in to a place that was designed by a minimalist sterile doctor, who seems to hate life, and really only enjoy the color white. No, TJs has wooden shelves, a little color, and the friendliest staff you'll ever meet. I have never felt like the staff in TJs has somewhere else to be, and somehow they make me feel important, which is nice. So when this does happen at Meijer, I want to shake those people and shout HEY ASSHOLE, IM IMPORTANT AND I PAY YOUR SALARY. Now I'll admit I don't go to grocery stores just for the experience, well not always, but TJs wins in the selection department as well. I hate going to Meijer looking for macaroni and having 12 different brands and 1,000 different shapes to choose from. I freak the fuck out! So when I go to TJs and see white cheddar, regular, and instant, I feel good because I can decide quickly. AND their quality of food is just better, I never have to worry if I am buying shitty food that is going to be bland and untasty. On top of that most of there food is organic, which I feel better buying. Now I don't have the money to shop at Whole Foods, but I don't like buying food that is pumped with unnecessary, corn syrup, or dehydrogenated oils when you just cant taste the difference. And usually when I get out of TJs I have about a $30-35 bill for a weeks worth of food, which is way better than a $50-60 bill at Jewel. Check out is the best time at TJs because they bag my groceries with brown paper, which makes me feel like I'm saving the world. Ill be honest I have the reusable bags, but i so often forget them, or bring too many bags, or too few. Or the bags aren't big enough to hold a large bottle. So I'm alright using paper, and paper holds up on the walk home unlike plastic. Walking to the grocery store is great, it gives you time to clear the head, build some muscle, and enjoy the scenery. Unfortunately this is a city thing, and for us country folks driving is a necessity.

There is some down falls to TJs, this being no deli counter, and I love and will only ever accept fresh sliced meats and cheeses, they make for better sandwiches. They also don't have very strong deodorants, and I'll be honest I only wear Old Spice because my Grandfather wore it. So for these times I march into Jewel and deal with shitty service, too many options, and crappy aesthetics. But otherwise I got to TJs and this video summarizes why I love Trader Joes so much. I hope I have persuaded anyone to shop there, because well its the epitome of life. And frankly I miss it.

Dan Delillo writes White Noise, which is a pretty good novel about American culture in which he uses the grocery store as a metaphor for death. I would largely agree with him, but think that he has never been to Trader Joes. So if you have read his book I would say to you: America there is still hope.

So... Thank You for Shopping, and please come again.

p.s. Iv never had thoughts of suicide.

Let me know if you also are addicted to Trader Joes ,or if you have found a better place.

Real Cool Music: K'naan

2009-02-18T11:44:00.001-08:00

Hey cool kids,

This is a song by K'naan featuring Mos Def & Chali 2na. The song will be on K'naan's CD: Troubadour that's is coming out next Tuesday Feb 24th. I'm super excited and I can almost guarantee you that I will be listening to this CD next Tuesday. But I have to admit I don't know if I am hip enough to be seen in public listening to this. Either way check it out let me know what you think. (because I am currently blog retarded, and cant figure out how to post a song, this will redirect you to Kanye Wests blog which i stole the song from. Once I become more blog literate get ready.)

America

click the little red play button

Sandwiches Sweet Sandwiches

2009-02-17T09:50:00.000-08:00

Dear fellow sandwich lovers,

Last week I posted something on my Facebook page which included my five favorite sandwiches. The topic of sandwiches is very important to me, and usually on first dates this will be one of my topics of discussion. I have found that if a girl is absolutely repulsed by this topic, then obviously she is not the girl for me. Well maybe, either way I am here today to discuss sandwiches a little bit more in depth, and testing out the waters to see if this might be a nice running blog topic.

To speak clearly about sandwiches, I feel that it is important to first define these wonderful creations. This is one of the hardest things to define, so, I must make some rules. It must be edible, Me wedged in between two people would not be a sandwich, even though it is sometimes referred to as a "sexy sandwich". A sandwich also must be made with the best of ingredients, there is many objects that look like sandwiches but are made with shitty materials, like the cheapest meats and cheeses you can find, these are commonly referred to as sadwiches. A sandwich must also have at least on slice of bread and in most cases two slices or more. Twelve slices of bread with stuff in between is still a sandwich. This leads me to the fact that a sandwich must have something in between, butter does not count, sorry, but if your eating butter sandwiches your life has no worth, and you should think about ending things. In my definition a sandwich cannot have encased meat. As sad as this sounds I think its for the best, I have to put limits on sandwiches somewhere, and hot-dogs, and brats are their own wonderful food group, they just don't need to be involved(but this is really debatable). Things like the Monte Cristo is very much a sandwich, as well as hamburgers, and even italian beef they all constitute as part of the sandwich family. Now in defining a sandwich it is important to understand that there is always exceptions to the rule, and if you have any questions I would recommend saying something. I have put together my five favorite sandwiches, and a list of sandwiches that just missed that list, as well as some sandwiches that look very tempting to try.

Five Favorite not listed in order(because when they are this good there is no order)

Pastrami sandwich at Katz deli in New York

Grilled pb&j, anywhere.

Tineka Sandwich at Lulas Cafe in Chicago made with spicy peanut butter and cucumbers.

Crawfish Poboy, Mississippi.

Torta Langua on a hot day in the rundown part of downtown LA.

Short list

A well seasoned hamburger, with excellent blue cheese, thin slices of tomato and avocado, and fresh basil, on a brioche roll.

BLT, with real MAYO( Heilmans is not MAYO and shame on you for thinking so, and Miracle Wip is just a sin.)

Falafel at Sultans in Chicago.

A sandwiches that i would like to try

Fools Gold, apparently Elvis Preselys favorite sandwich, made with a loaf of italian bread sliced lengthwise, with a jar of peanut butter, a jar of jelly and a packet of bacon, with the bread scooped out inside to fit all the ingredients.

Check these out too.

If you want some great reading with a short bit based on sandwiches, Woody Allen writes about the origins of the sandwich in his book Getting Even, possibly one of the most ridiculous/ hilarious books I have ever read, this might give you some insight into my love for the food.

Please comment back on some of your favorite sandwiches, I am always to try and find new sandwiches that will blow my mind. If you like this Ill write more on the subject talking about elements that can make a mediocre sandwich a great sandwich.

To all my Facebook Stalkers

2009-02-16T19:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Facebook Stalker,

Recently I have felt the presence of stalkers on Facebook. You know who you are, and hopefully I can convert you to start stalking my blog and not my Facebook, however I understand this is not possible so you can now stalk my blog as well as my Facebook . This is a task that is going to involve work on both our parts. My job will be to start posting on a regular basis, informing you of my life and my surroundings. In return you will now have to check my blog regularly, which is a pain in the ass, but I know you have the time. I would suggest devoting 1% of you Facebook time to my blog. This for the average Facebook stalker will work out to approximately 15 mins a day, which is more than enough time.

Now for all you stalkers I have to figure out a way to have you commit 15 mins of your day to me. My good looks and boyish charm really should be enough, but I feel as if you kids these days aren't swayed by these kind of tactics. Here are a few ideas i have had:

I could write and post back stories to everything that is happening to me on Facebook, and my friends. I can also give a forecast of postings that I believe will be written on my wall but are not yet done. I would kind of be the Perez Hilton of my sad little world which I am convinced would be dreadfully uninteresting. But for some sick and twisted reason I believe if this was to be the focus of my blog I would have a very devoted group of followers, whose lifes (no offense) are that much more dreadfully uninteresting.

One of the more likely scenarios is that I will be posting art, movies, music, food, and books that I like or hate. I believe in spreading information, and I think this could be a good way of doing so. But right now I am in Kalamazoo, Michigan and I am not leaving my room much, so I feel as if the information I am currently taking in has been absorbed and spit out by a trillion other sources. With the posting of art and such scenario, it will be less writing and more media posting. I know its hard to read this all and can only imagine its not to catchy.

Another option for my blog is to strictly talk about what I am going to do, and not actually do anything. I like this, and find that this is how I like to treat everything I do in the world everything from the amount of art I make to the amount of girls I get to talk to me and then go out with me. So with this I shall leave you with David Sedaris, an author I am currently reading and enjoying very much, and felt that this statement related very much to me:

I can't seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding like a missionary, someone whose job it is to convert rather than listen.

Thus I have created a blog?

good morning blog

2009-02-08T08:31:00.000-08:00

Good morning this is my very first posting, I will be posting pictures of friends, artwork, and other exciting information, that seem relevant to me and my experiences and adventures. So welcome and enjoy.